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Old 06-23-2010, 10:49 AM
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Monounsaturated Monounsaturated is offline
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I've been listening to Billy Joel - Honesty. The man is a musical genius. There always seems to be a song that fits a given situation. My favourite has to be She's Always a Woman. When I look back at the past 10 years and how I have treated her I feel sick. I held on so tight I strangled the life from everything. I feel like an idiot; before her I had never experienced unconditional love. I was so terrified of losing her love I put her in a cage.
I have issues from my childhood and they haunt me. I'm fighting the idea that I'm worthless. It's difficult. She was the only person who saw me, broke through my defences and pulled me out of myself, dusted me off and said, 'hey you're not so bad.' Right now I feel so much anger at myself. I've wasted the past 15 years. I feel like the guy in the song Piano Man, 'makin love to his tonic and gin.' I've never been one for pubs, these days they're so damned loud you can't hear yourself think nevermind talk to anyone. Rebuilding 'me' seems to be the task at hand and I don't know if I even like myself nevermind rebuild. I came out of an extremely destructive childhood and straight into a relationship with a woman who due to my own stupidity I nearly destroyed. As I type this she's over there on the sofa, I'm frankly amazed, I wouldn't have put up with me, nevermind stayed. I seem to excel at destroying the things I love. 2010 hindsight and all that. The thing is that I now know what the problem is. It makes me sick to my stomach to admit that it's me. I was dragged up by parents with degrees in psychology who used their knowledge to great effect - they tore each other to bits and when my mother couldn't tear into him she tore into me. I took all that vitriol and internalised it - it was my fault they didn't like each other. I couldn't accept that another person could love me and the only view of family life I ever saw was destructive. I cannot remember a single hug from my mother, I remember breaking a wooden spoon in half when she went to attack me with it, but no hugs or intimacy of any kind. In fairness I was never physically abused, that would have been easier. A few lumps and bumps would have been easier to process. The feeling that I was 'in the way' or 'the cause of all the problems' has been hard to process. The thing that makes me angry is that my mother has a problem with the fact that I never call, never visit or want anything to do with her. What sickens me most is that I very nearly did it to my own family and I hope to god they can forgive me. I know I have a huge amount of love to give, I just don't know how to express it. I express it in all the wrong ways, I misconstrue the simplest of gestures. Taking down these shields is damned scary. I wrote a short story once a long time ago for my college magazine, and it was published. Little did I know at the time that it was about me. My wife knows of it. The fear of being honest with yourself and being open and aware and happy with ones own faults and accepting ones gifts. When I was a kid, in order to gain some sanity away from the hell I was living in, a father who was as distant and cold as frost and a mother who used me as a way of venting. I'd go to my room and read, I'd escape into whole other worlds where people were good and sane. I'd listen to music. It was my sanctuary. When my parents finally had enough of tearing each other to bits I went to live with my father and watched him go through one destructive relationship after another, that was fun. I went to college and I felt like a fish in a desert, I had no clue how to relate to anyone, I sure as hell knew that a relationship with anyone was not a good idea, the fact that I didn't know what my sexuality was at the time scared the crap out of me. I seemed to like everyone, I'd get to know someone regardless of gender and feel attraction I thought there was something wrong with me. I know now that there's nothing wrong with me, I just don't see gender. Then Matilda appeared in college and I just had to know her, we clicked, spoke on the phone for hours, ran up some very scary phone bills. After college we got back in touch and the connection was there, we had a whirlwind romance and got married. It seems like a million years ago now. Right now I want to crawl into a safe place and shut out the world. I've hurt her so much.

Last edited by Monounsaturated; 06-23-2010 at 11:36 AM. Reason: Just acknowleging Matilda
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