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Old 06-23-2010, 10:42 AM
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Matilda Matilda is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: No Man's Land
Posts: 26
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*sigh*
I hear you, and the logical, practical side of me agrees.
I'm 'the nice one' though...a lot of who I am of myself is tied up with how indentify myself - and sometimes, yes, that is to my own detriment. I have a sometimes foolishly high standard for behaviour and ethics and morals, and because I myself 'do the right thing' by everyone else the whole time, I end up doing the martyr thing until I have nothing left for myself.

I know that's unhealthy. I know it's wrong to give and give and give until you yourself run dry, but it's part of how I am. I feel 'safe' in the knowledge that no matter how horrible someone else has been to me, I've not stepped on them or fought back or made them feel less or small, just to make myself feel okay about things. At night, I can sleep because I don't have a guilty conscience, I know I haven't done wrong by anyone (apart from myself).

In all fairness, I have an angel-complex. It can be annoying too, I know this, because I can come across as being holier-than-thou or preachy, I was like that even as a small child. I have the need to be "good". I hold on tightly to my own integrity, I 'behave' myself when nobody's watching too, because I'D know if I did something that was less-than-right-for-me. I don't ever expect or demand anyone to live by my set-of rules, because my sense of right and wrong is very black and white, and the human nature is shades of gray a lot of the time. I'm perfectly fine with all of that. I don't have the right or wish to impose my value-system on the world, either. It's just how I am.

In the situation I'm in now, I know my husband has been abusive, and I know I can't continue on in the same way. But I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to pull away and leave him, essentially, stranded. I do everything for the man, and I have done since we met. I 'mind' him, I'm always there to run back to, I'm the safehaven, the ever-forgiving-always-supportive one. But I've hit breaking point, so SOMETHING has to give.

We had another one of 'those' talks. I suppose I'm seeing him more objectively now, because I've take a little step back and tried to look at him as a man and not as "my husband" so much. A lot of who he is is very wrapped up in me. I asked him what made him happy - and he started listing off "cuddling with you", "watching tv with you" etc. So When I said "So...you enjoy cuddles and watching tv?" his reply was "No. I said 'with you' and I don't know how he's to heal and mend and grow as a person if he refuses to see anything as being worthwhile if I'm not bang smack in the middle of it. It's crazy, to be honest, because all through our relationship he has just...gone out to see a movie alone, or gone away the hang with his brother for the weekend, or stayed up all night by himself playing computergames or speaking in chatrooms to strangers...and enjoyed it WAY more than he would have had he chosen to spend that time with me, yet now, today when I ask him what makes him happy, he cannot think of one thing he'd find was fun or good-for-his-soul that doesn't rely 100% on me.

I don't understand it. I pull away so I can heal myself...and he clings on to me for dear life, yet for a decade and a half, I may as well have been on the moon for all he cared?
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