I've woken up with a feeling of hopelessness.
Last night my husband and I spoke for a long time in great depth.
He's changed tactics again...now he is willing to put everything else he wants aside again, and simply focus on rebuilding the marriage.
The problem here is that I'm psychologically in a place where I see us as two people in a boat. The boat is sinking, having been repared by me, alone, over and over and over for the past 15 years. Now he wants to save the boat.
I want to save the people IN the boat. He doesn't understand the difference, or sees it as the same thing. He maintains that if the people in the boat are okay, then the boat is okay, or if the boat is still afloat, then the people inside are fine. I understand how crap the boat is, because I'm the one who has been putting it back together after every storm, and I know it's held together with sticky-tape and prayer at this stage...and I'm all out of sticky tape...and water is pouring in.
After months, no, years now, of refusing point blank to even consider marriage counselling, he now thinks it's a good idea. He is making dramatic changes in his routine and schedule to 'accomodate' the new awareness that he is now prioritising our relationship.
Fundamentally, I personally feel I should find me, make me whole, make me strong, make me a full person again and he should figure out who he is and what he wants ASIDE of 'the marriage' and fix whatever's missing in him so he starts 'owning' his jealousies and obsessive behaviours...and I fel we should be mutually supportive of one another in this process.
He's looking at this, and coming at it from what I feel is an unhelpful angle.
I've read and read and read and thought and thought and thought, and have come to certain realisations that I don't like but I do accept.
I'm not the marriage. I'm a person in the marriage, and that marriage is very, very broken because of things I cannot control. But I should be responsible for me, I should be allowed to make me happy, and I would like very much for my husband to be happy - but as a person too, but I don't believe he is willing to change his viewpoint at the moment. How that is to be achieved is anyone's guess.