Originally Posted by Quath
She does not sound poly to me because poly is based on open communication with full knowledge and consent of all parties. She is not even on the swinger side of the spectrum since that involves trust as well.
It seems she gets her thrills from cheating itself. Agreeing to be non-monogamous may only be treating the symptoms. I would be more worried that she is self-destructive and does things on purpose to hurt the relationship.
It seems like this might be an unpopular opinion, but I've always imagined that many people who cheat *are* wrestling with the fact that they're poly. I never had long ongoing affairs before my marriage was poly, but I did become involved in a few short-lived situations with friends over the years, and things had definitely started to develop between my now-boyfriend and I before my marriage was non-monogamous. I had been upfront with my husband for years that monogamy was not really right for me, and he was completely unwilling to consider any alternative. I never sought out other men, and I fully accept that things I did in the past were wrong, but at the same time, they were very much born of the fact that I was poly and struggling very hard not to be and on a few occasions I failed. I'm not by any means saying this is right or acceptable behavior. But I imagine there are plenty of poly people who are trying to repress their feelings who end up making these mistakes, just like many gay people who try to force themselves into straight marriages often end up having affairs.