I would like to chime in on this I'll be real short. I agree that your relationship doesn't seem to be strong enough for swingin'.In the ten years we've been doing it i've seen many couples trying to fix their marrage with swingin' but just makes it worse you already have comunication problems and both poly and swingin' are based on trust and openness(is that a word?).I do have a suggestion if you all are determined to stick it out. try open marrige for a bit "let it go if it comes back its ment to be kinda thing" but have her tell you whats going on each and every time.I've tried this before the stories from her can be a big turn on and it can open the door to communicating .also she can get the thrill of messing around without lying or any of those others you mentioned.
no matter what you do it has to be right for both of you and fill the needs of you both.