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Old 06-23-2010, 01:57 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
And yet lots of people achieve this. Lots of people think poly and loving more than one person is a fairy tale as well. Sorry Idealist, I got triggered by the defeatest tone in this comment. Knowledge is based on experience and often shaped by our own wants.
Sorry to trigger anything. And I have to respectfully disagree. It is not defeatism, but reality in my opinion. And, at the risk of triggering anything else (because I respect you so much) I dare say that even though you are mono, you are not living the "fairy tale romance" that I'm talking about and the one (it seems to me) that Matilda has internalized.

I got this from Pepper Mint.

"When we are talking about the perfect ideal of monogamy, the other person in the union is The One. What does it mean to be The One? Well, first off, there are no others. Which is to say: no affairs, no adultery, no sly
backward glances after passing someone cute on the sidewalk. Definitely no flirting, aside from flirting with The One. Sex only with The One. In fact, proper devotion to The One really requires that sexual and romantic desires only go towards them. Finding other people attractive is a no-no.
This aspect of idealized monogamy extends to activities that may not even involve another person. Pornography? Erotica? Desire for The One should theoretically overshadow any need for such things. Similarly, while most of us probably consider regular masturbation to be perfectly healthy (relationship or no) it has no place in the land of fairy-tale monogamy. In fairy tales, The One is all that you need to be fulfilled.

Second, it is really best if there were no others before The One. While some romantic comedies use the decision process for fun and conflict, in many other movies The One is also The First. Pride and Prejudice is an example of this. Virginity is implied by this particular aspect of fairy-tale monogamy. It is best if both are virgins, though of course the virginity of women somehow ends up being more important, as a direct result of cultural sexism.
We cannot discuss before without describing after. “’Til death do you part” is in most marriage vows for a reason. Even after death has in fact parted you, it is somewhat unseemly to take another lover or spouse.

Marriage vows bring up the subject of marriage itself. In fairy-tale romance of any sort, marriage is a must, and early marriage is best. Think Romeo and Juliet. I am trying to build a picture here. When we think of the ideal of monogamy, it is a single love in a lifetime. It is a single desire. It is an attraction that is so intense it becomes the single attraction in the course of one’s life.

Of course, most people are fully aware that they will not be living this type of idealized monogamy. I suspect that most people do not actually want this life.
However, I contend that fairy-tale monogamy is in a sense always present in people’s heads. It forms a sort of reference point, a single shared idea across the culture. While representations of monogamy in culture are varied, the fact that a decent percentage of such representations use this idealized monogamy (even though it is usually considered to be impractical) tells us that this idealization has currency."
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
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