Originally Posted by Matilda
Following on from my tentative 'introduction' about not wanting to be here (and believe me, I don't!) I realise that I'm inclined to just...heartspill, and I think that might help the situation.
To give a synposis, the saga that is now playing out can be summarised as
Fairytale-Princess-Wannabe married very young to a man who swore he was her One-True-Love and Knight-in-Shining-Armour. After a decade and a half of heartbreak, lying, deceit, manipulation, emotional and psychological abuse, control issues, mindgames, etc. from him, he turned around one day and announced the root of all his behaviour was that he's "poly".
Basing a relationship on a lie isn't the beginning of a healthy relationship
I love my husband. I want him to be happy. I know he is sorry for all the hurt he's inflicted on me, and I don't want to be The Poor Victim in this, so I'm taking on the responsibility of verbalising my confusion and my frustration in the hope that I can work through this, and maybe if I can get through it, learn, grow, be more whole and full and happy as a result of this change and learning process...it will be a good thing to take from the mess my marriage has made of me.
Right now, I'm upset, and I feel betrayed and confused.
Right now, I need to figure out who I am.
Thats healthy. Figure out who you are and what you want.
I want to be able to 'support' my husband, I want to be a friend to him and someone to lean on, but right now I don't know who 'me' is.
Ok, having read your other thread, there is a lot of poor behaviour in your relationship. Can it be fixed, sure if you want it I suppose. I honestly think you need to seek counselling, both of you. Your relationship needs help from the ground up.
Your foundation to begin a poly relationship is wrecked with havok. You need to build the base in order to potentially ad on. Otherwise, you not only risk being hurt but anyone he includes does to. I say he, because reading your other post, you have no choice in the matter, *currently*.
I get...angry at men like your husband. The insecurity he shows by not allowing you
to have friends, not allowing you
to live outside the relationship, yet taking that step himself
. Its the sign of a truly selfish coward. Your relationship is badly unbalanced.
I'm scared of hurting him. I'm scared of upsetting the children.
I'm scared of being 'alone' - I'm scared of possible revenge he would seek were I to rock the boat. I'm scared of 'letting him down' - I'm scared of blowing the whistle, I'm scared of everyone outside of us as a couple KNOWING what's been going on all these years. I'm scared of everything.
I ripped this from your other post. Why should you live life in fear of anything? If this is truly how you feel, and you still want to support this relationship, seek counselling, but be aware of your options. Be very aware of what you have the power to do. Do not feel stuck to a relationship like this...
Here is a poem to mull over.
There's a little game
Here is how it goes
Bullshit's like a river
It starts and then it flows
If you are afraid
That you have been neglected
Let me make sure
That you're feeling well protected
My arms are all around you
Please ignore the grip
I'll tell you that you're safe
Just don't try givin' me the slip
I think that you are vulnerable
I think that you are weak
I'll tell you who to play with
For myself I will you keep
I am your lord and master
You will never run away
Although the door is always open
Your mind will always stay