I find I agonize the most when I am trying to hide something internally. I try to avoid feeling or showing emotion. I find the best relief for this is letting it out
Have you considered writing to her. Covering your feelings, explaining yourself. You might find you can logically explain things more clearly with written word.
Hindsight being 2020 should also teach you lessons. Fight for what you want. Retreating into yourself, hiding...thats you giving up and curling into a ball. Accept that as a temporary time to be introspective but dont allow that to rule your life.