For good or ill, I love my husband.
I feel a responsibility for him, and a duty towards him.
When he senses he is being abandoned...in any way...it sets off a chain of events that leads to hurt and upset and distress for everyone around him.
I can see how things are, and I'm looking at our relationship through new eyes, like a veil has been lifted somehow - and I feel it cannot continue on with the framework that is currently in place.
I'm scared of hurting him. I'm scared of upsetting the children.
I'm scared of being 'alone' - I'm scared of possible revenge he would seek were I to rock the boat. I'm scared of 'letting him down' - I'm scared of blowing the whistle, I'm scared of everyone outside of us as a couple KNOWING what's been going on all these years. I'm scared of everything.
I want him to be happy and feel loved and wanted and respected for who he is as a person...but I want to be happy and feel loved and respected for who I am as a person...and I don't know what to do. And it terrifies me.