My World is Imploding
I don't know what to type, what to say, how to say it. I love my wife, right now I feel like there's a hot knive in my ribs. Right now I feel like I deserve nothing. She loves me but is not in love with me. I don't' fit the bill, I don't measure up to what she wants. I want her to be happy, I want all the good things for her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to continue raise our family together. Why can't she see how much in love with her I am. I'm not monogamous by nature, when we married I thought I was. I reached out and formed other relationships with other people, connected with them on an emotional level and phone/internet sex. I was surprised and hurt that she had a problem with such relationships and it made me feel trapped. I retreated into myself, cut myself off emotionally. If you can't feel you can't get hurt right? I hurt a few people who had become close to me by my sudden unexplained actions. Right now all I am sure of is my love for my family and my absolute and complete love for my wife. She is in a terrible place and I wish to god I could ease the pain for her, wave a magic wand and take the pain away. I feel so fucking isolated, numb. She tells me she felt like this two years into our relationship and I wish she had told me, I wish I hadn't been so selfish. She wanted to end it but I convinced her to stay, I was emotionally wrecked. I begged her to stay and she stayed. I was so confused and angry I threatened suicide. I regret that now, I can't even put into words how much I regret my actions. Hindsight is great. You get to see all the things you should have done but were so wrapped up in other things you missed them. I want our relationship to work, when she clamped down on my 'other relationships' I felt hurt, I couldn't understand why. I retreated into myself. I'm repeating myself now. There has to be more than pain, hurt, anguish, fear. I cut myself off from other people because I didn't want to run the risk of allowing myself to feel. I love my wife, I wish she could see beyond the pain and realise that. At the same time I want desperately for her to be happy......
Last edited by Monounsaturated; 06-22-2010 at 12:33 PM.