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Old 06-22-2010, 09:07 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
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If you want this relationship, you're both going to need to develop some communication skills. I think she also needs a poly-friendly counselor who won't just try to teach her how to be monogamous when that's not what she truly wants. If she's trying to be something she isn't, then she's setting herself up for failure. If her counselor is not poly-friendly, then he may be reinforcing the feelings of guilt she already has from what her heart tells her is right.

Originally Posted by berserker View Post
I have established the fact that my wife is Poly and can't control it or can only temporarily. No matter who it hurts me and our young kids. It's caused so much drama in our extended families and in the neghborhood she now lives in without me.
This inability to control one's self is not an inherent characteristic of poly. It's a lack of self-control which would require conscious effort on her part to overcome. Poly people don't all just go out and have sex uncontrollably. If anything, they need to have even more self-control in order to manage multiple relationships and not get carried away by the moment.

She's in counselling now and wants me back.
This is useful. Would it be possible for you both to have counselling together?

I still love my wife but I can't live with her cheating, lying, replacing me and then running back to me.
Nor should you. It sounds like she sees you as a safety net while she goes out and walk the tightrope.

I offer her this - I say monogamy doesn't work for her. I tell her we can put ads online, you can find someone you are attracted to we will meet the guy together she can do him I will watch. I am straight It will be like live porn for me. I will also get involved somewhat.
This would be a big no-no for my life. I am not a porn star to be objectified by my husband, nor are my partners. This is your fantasy, not hers. It will not satisfy her urges.

I do not know the extent and nature of her affairs, whether they were just casual sex or whether emotions were involved. But since they were talking on the phone so much, I'll assume it was for more than "meet me in the clubhouse at 3" and actually involved more emotional/romantic interaction.

Also we will meet a couple every now and then and swing. That way I won't feel cheated or my position in my family won't be threatened if we set ground rules and do things honestly. She can live out her fantasies with me.
Those aren't her fantasies though. My impression is, her affairs are not just about sex, she's getting some kind of emotional/psychological thrill from this behaviour. It's not as simple as "she's having sex with other men, therefore sex with other men will satisfy her desires."

She is objecting to doing a single guy in front of me too.
I suggest you drop this whole line of reasoning. She never brought up wanting to perform for you or swinging, and you're offering these as crumbs to try and satisfy something that is more than just sex, it's emotional.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 06-22-2010 at 11:54 PM.
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