It has been a while but thought I'd update anyone that might be following this.
I have already decided that I will never cheat on my wife again. I have also decided that I am never going to come out to her either.
I have done alot of soul searching, reading of various books, AND had some discussions with my wife (in a very round about way) discussing poly. What I would expect from a poly relationship is something that she would never be ready for and I think is rare for a poly relationship to be somewhat blunt.
What I am looking for is to have a soulmate for myself and my wife that we all (3 or 4 or more of us) get along and feel the same about the others. I am not bi but I want to love the other man my wife finds a soul connection with (if she chooses) just like I want my wife to love the other woman that is my soulmate.
I don't want a relationship where there is a primary or secondary. I don't want to go out looking for a soulmate. I believe that the relationship I am looking for is something that can't be found... it finds you and slaps you upside the head. Multiple times if needed. I found that with the woman I cheated with and because of how I handled it, it will never be.
Had I handled it correctly from the start, there might have been a snowball's chance in hell (at least it was a chance) that my wife would have opened up and allowed her in and loved her like I do.
I do still believe that I am Poly in my mind/heart/and soul. The thing I realized is that I gave up the ability to act on that when I married my wife and had children with her while never discussing this part of me. If she ever brings it up with me, I might concede. I might even grow a pair and tell her about the affair and mention my feelings for her and the other woman etc... (hell, this is a discussion so far out of the realm of possibility that I haven't put much thought into it so nevermind about that...).
I have made a few friends here and I will continue to troll and maybe offer up a word or two every now and then. But this thread... this part of my life that I messed up... is done.