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Old 06-21-2010, 07:13 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
and I am honestly not posting it for the sake of being provocative (or as Z says, I'm not being a troll) but.....I think some poly relationships could be a form of cheating.
*giggle* colour me provoked!

Being out in the open doesn't necessarily mean it isn't cheating just that you have the guts to tell your partner. Leaving a relationship because your partner wants to add another party isn't an option for many of us. If you love your partner, you don't want to lose them and you want them to be happy. There are also all the financial and family issues holding you together.
If I may interpret, it sounds like you're saying "feeling trapped" does not constitute "giving consent." A spouse might say "I'm going to do this, and if you don't like it, get out" and you might feel that you can't get out, but you sure as hell don't support his behaviour.

I was raised very independently, and even though I am not currently financially independent, I can't imagine myself in a situation where I couldn't leave. If I were to up and leave my husband, I would be slightly screwed for a while, as I found a job and housing. My standard of living would go down several orders of magnitude, and I could forget about finishing my degree any time soon. I think it's unhealthy to allow yourself to be in a situation where you couldn't get out if you wanted to. I would hate to be the spouse of someone who was staying with me only because they had to, not because they wanted to.

Cheating is a horrible word, maybe I should replace it with "avoidance"? in a big relationship (no practical label: e.g. marriage, long term, committed etc.) both parties are responsible for the life that has been built. If that means that because of children, work, financial pressure or whatever, you have lost or are challenged by the ability to be as intimate, passionate and present in the "now" as you would like; to then go and find that which is lost or difficult, with another person, is surely avoidance at best or at worst a form of cheating?
As I see it, cheating is all about the consent of your partner(s), not your motives for doing it. Whatever your reasons for going out and getting another relationship, and they may or may not be good reasons, it's only cheating if your spouse says you're not allowed.

I feel, personally, that staying with someone when you know they're in another relationship, constitutes consent. Again, this is because I can't imagine myself in a situation where it was impossible to leave. RedPepper is the perfect example of someone whose life is completely tied up with another person, several in fact, and she's one of the loudest proponents that you can always leave any relationship if you want to.

After a spouse has announced they're going to have other relationships, I get the impression that many partners decide that they love that person enough to stay with them even though they're doing this really hurtful, painful thing. Those are just the people who end up here, looking for support as their poly spouse explores the lifestyle. Obviously there are others who say "to hell with that" and hit the road.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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