I go back and forth being ok with his other gf's and feeling totally ruined. Just last night I felt very angry and upset because he wanted to have a party at his house tuesday, but was going to invite his other gf and her roller derby team and myself. I told him flat out that I would not be going if she was there. He said he would call her and ask her if she even wanted o go.
So I ended up feeling like he put me in a position where I had to either A) go to his party and feel really uncomfortable about meeting this girl for the first time while she has all her friends around (and no support of my own since my bf is the only person I would know at this party) or B) what he calls "excluding myself". I have a major beef with this, it's not like he is trying to force me to meet her, but he doesn't seem to have a clue how intimidating it is for me despite the fact that I've told him how I feel.
We ended up talking this morning because he has an ability to always know when I am out of sorts and though we only chatted for a few moments before he had to leave for work, we sort of got things to a crux: I have to decide if I can even do this or not. When he is out of town at work, I feel ok about everything because I know he is not able to see this other girl. He talks about flirting with girls at the bar, etc. and it doesnt' bother me in the slightest. But when he comes back after being gone for a week or more, I feel really anxious because I perceive that he is dividing his time between me and her.
And come to find out, he is barely even spending any time with her and from what he says they haven't been intimate past kissing once a few months ago. It's so frustrating because even though he can assure me that he is not doing anything that involved with her, I can relax - BUT that doesn't change the fact that at some point it WILL be deeper, maybe not with her but someone else.
See, she has another bf (or two?) already - I'm not sure the exact details, but she has a "main man" with whom I believe she has a child and from what I gather she is living with him, etc. and so hardly has time to carve out of her schedule to spend with my bf. I guess in a way that makes me feel less threatened. But the thing is that I believe that if this is going to work at all - I have to STOP feeling threatened. Period.
Because it is not just about this particular woman, it is any woman he happens to meet. The next girl might be single and have all the time in the world for him and then I will have to re-adjust to that situation.
I know I myself don't have to "become" poly, and I won't try to be something that I am not. Although I think my bf would prefer I date other people so that he can feel relaxed in himself that I am not sitting there all lonely (which I never am with two children around!). I know I have to make these decisions because it is what I want, not because it is what he wants. I know I want to be with him and perhaps it will end up that we just have to change our relationship into a friendship for it to work.