I don't want to be here...
Actually, I don't want to be anywhere, right now, because of the amount of hurt and pain and anguish I'm in.
I waited for Mister Right. I 'kept' myself for marriage, and even though I was really popular and funny and bright and pretty, I always declined the boyfriend/dating thing, because I wanted to meet "the One" and halve the fairytale. When I found him, and was absolutely sure he was "the One" we got married and started a family. My first, true, only love.
The thing is, everything he promised, every vow, doesn't apply now.
I kept my end of the 'contract' in every way, and year after year he succeeded in breaking our marriage down piece by piece. I wasn't enough. All of my love and all of my loyalty and fidelity and support wasn't enough for him. He's decided his poly by nature, and the fact that he's PRETENDS to do the monogamy thing isn't a comfort to me in the slightest - it just makes everything we were meant to build together more of a sham. Every times he's lied to me, cheated on me, broken my heart...I've put on a brave face and 'supported him' through it and BELIEVED him when he swore every time that it was a mistake, a once-off, it-meant-nothing, I'm everything to him.
Til the next time.
So now he's come out and 'decided' that he's NOT a cruel, mean, liar - he's 'just' poly...and I'm mean to be heartened by this in some way. I'm meant to think "oh, that's okay then, I KNOW about it this time, so I have no reason to be upset" - when I'm told he wants me to be happy and he wants to spend his life with me as his "primary" I'm meant to think "oh yay!"
I know he's sorry for all the hurt he's caused me, and is causing me still.
I know he loves me and wants me to be his wife.
I even know he'd be willing to PRETEND he was happy "just" with me if that's what it took to "keep" me and the facade of the perfect marriage.
But how am I meant to put on a smile and go along with that when I know in my heart that I'm not enough for him, he wants something else? I sacrificed EVERYthing for this man's happiness; contact with my family, a career, a bank-account, a social-life of my own... everything, because that's what he wanted, to have "just me" all to himself. And I did it. Everything from my virginity to my name - because I believed him. I look back on it now and I feel gutted. I feel empty. I feel duped and used and cheap and pathetic and I just want the pain to stop.
(Edited to add: we've been together 15 years, I'm early 30's)
Last edited by Matilda; 06-21-2010 at 06:55 PM.
Reason: adding age