Thread: Me - New Here
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Old 06-21-2010, 12:04 PM
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Monounsaturated Monounsaturated is offline
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Today is difficult, it's a wonderful sunny day outside, the birds are singing, the red admirals are congregating on the flowers in the garden. We talk and she's angry and I want to understand the anger. I want to take away that anger, to see her happy, to see that wonderful smile, see her eyes light up, to know she's content, to know the anger and frustration she feels has somehow been resolved. I feel like a fraud, a charletan, a con-man. When we got together we were sure of what we wanted, I was sure of what we wanted. I'm still certain of my love for her, it fills me, it is something I feel from every fibre of my being. She thinks I want my cake and eat it too. I don't know how to respond to that, to reassure her that's not the case. I'm the black knight who stole the white knights armour. I'm the knight who wheedled his way into her heart and stole the keys to the castle. I find myself saying, 'guilty as charged.' The dye is cast, I cannot undo all the stupid, selfish things I've done, I cannot unsay all the stupid, unthinking, idiotic, mindbending things I've said. Just sitting here typing is difficult, sorting out my thoughts and feelings into a coherent sentence that she'll understand is difficult. I feel riddled with conflict. She feels that she was sold a three-legged horse and I fully understand that. This three-legged horse loves her to bits though. I try and reassure, I'm here, I don't want to be anywhere else. I'm unsure of alot of things, emotions buried, feelings suppressed, I'm asked a question and part of me thinks, 'if I answer this one honestly it'll just add to the pain.' At the same time I can't not answer. I see the pain reflected on her face and I feel impotent. I wish to god I could be the white knight and I know I can be, she feels that the compact is broken, shattered by lies and deceit. The thing that keeps me sane is my love for her. I know she loves me. I just hope that when this plays out, she can love me, as I am, and let me love her in return. I don't want to lose her in the process of being honest with myself.
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