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Old 07-27-2009, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by DestinyWaits View Post
Ceoli, I see your point and no feathers were ruffled. I do understand what you say and could have understood something like that and honored her feelings had she ever said any of the things you said but alas she did not. What she wanted was more and more one on one time with each of us and less time with us as a whole. When we first started the relationship we told her what it was we were looking for (the equal triad and a life partner) and she told us that was what she wanted too but as time went on her whole attitude on the relationship changed and instead of a family she wanted someone to spend the nights with her and she wanted to dictate which one it was, if either of us declined, for whatever reason, she would get upset and say we didn't care for her. When we approached her with the moving in idea at first it was "when my lease runs out on my house" then it went to "I'm going to reup my lease because I don't want to have to explain to my mom our relationship" then it went to "I've decided to stay here because you've been together 16 yrs and I could never fit in as a family" even after all we did to make her feel like an intricate part of our lives.

While she probably could have handled it differently, it still sounds like she simply has different needs than you do. It is often hard for a third to learn the skills of standing up for themselves and learning to give voice to their needs when in a relationship with an established couple. As I said before, for the third, it can often feel like they have a lot more to lose in a relationship than the couple (whether this perception is true or not). And when people don't know how to give voice to their needs and share them, it can often start showing up in other negative ways.

Also there are times when a third may genuinely think being in a triad as an equal life partner is what they want until they learn the realities of the dynamics of being a third with a couple. No matter how hard a couple tries to make it easier for the third to integrate, there are factors that cannot be changed in such a relationship. Some people may think they're ok with those factors in theory but find that the reality of coping with such things is more emotional pain than it's worth. For others, those factors don't seem to matter at all and they can happily integrate into a couple. Again, it's just a matter of different needs. Not one person being more poly or more real than another (that last sentence isn't really directed at you but sort of addressing the general attitude I've seen throughout these boards).

It sounds like she didn't know how to voice her needs but finally did when she said that she feels like she can never fit in as a family. This is a perfectly valid feeling that should be honored. There's nothing you can do to make her feel more valued or special if you and her have differing needs. Happily, the couple I've been dating decided that they were happy to be with me in whatever way I was available to them, and this took the pressure off of me to try to fit into what they wanted. Especially since it's hard to form equal connections with two people at equal rates. There are times when I see one of them rather than both of them because we are growing and fostering our individual connections as well as the triad dynamic. We continue to have a lovely relationship because of that.

A while back, a friend of mine posted something called the HBB flowchart. Parts of it may or may not apply to your particular situation as a couple, but I can say that most of it applies to us single bisexual women when we are faced with the possibility of joining a couple as a third. It's a bit tongue-in-cheek and scathing towards couples who are looking for a third, but it's still worth a read because it is something many single bi women are faced with.

Best of luck in getting your needs met.

Last edited by Ceoli; 07-27-2009 at 01:21 PM.
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