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Old 06-18-2010, 05:01 PM
Scaredofcasual Scaredofcasual is offline
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For whatever it is worth, S.O.C., you may not always feel as you do about monogamy and non-monogamy / polyamory. People change--often dramatically--over time. I'm one of those. I was very mono oriented during my first long term relationship, which lasted six years. Later (when that ended), I had been invited to form a relationship with a poly guy, and refused mainly on the basis that poly didn't appeal to me. But now my head and heart definitely work in a very poly way. It is perhaps among the biggest internal shifts I've ever gone through.
Fair enough. People change. Maybe with the initial flush of serious infatuation that starts off love relationships, especially to those who are experiencing it for the first time, it's something that is very difficult to look beyond and in the future as something not absolute and exclusive because you. People usually seem to tend towards the idea of an unbreakable, special bond between two people that says "I am yours and you are mine". There's a very strong comfort level in the idea that someone has chosen to give themselves completely to you and while living, you can count on you and them being a solid unit with no threats to that cohesion.

But maybe a less selfish and demanding kind of love naturally arises with people completely secure that a primary relationship is going to last and remain strong and binding irrespective of other people occasionally being part of the picture. As my partner says, any sexual play with other people is not going to touch his love and desire for me. He claims it can't even begin to be an issue because he has given his heart to me, he's chosen me and isn't interested or looking for someone else to replace it.

Again, the comfort I can take from this kind of viewpoint is the message that at heart he isn't truly polyamorous. He doesn't sound like he really wants to share any of our deep emotional and companionship exclusivity. He just wants to keep the option of extra sex spice on the table. I guess there could be much worse things. The one big bonus with a gay couple is that you share the same natural desires toward the same sex and therefore can indulge in a physical act with others together and not have to swing in a truly "separate" way that heterosexuals have to cope with when swinging.

So my task is to strengthen my love and security of our partnership and not feel threatened by the purely physical acts going on. It's not truly easy for me because I admit freely that I don't get any feelings of compersion watching him pleasure or be pleasured. I have managed to accept, participate and sometimes feel ok with it at some moments. The biggest standout to me was when we once had a foursome and paired off temporarily. I started feeling apart and separate from him and started losing any interest in the person I was engaging with and when turning back to watch him getting it on with someone where he was focused directly on them and I wasn't even beside him, touching him and being involved, I felt like it was truly separate and dividing.

I see that he can easily disconnect the purely physical act with fun and not let it bother him in the respect that it's not involving me and at heart I find that notion hurtful because I still want it to be just an extension of our sexual partnership, not a separate tryst. I guess that's where the limits of my monogamy are drawn. I don't know if they can change? But I can't honestly say I wish them to.
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