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Old 06-18-2010, 04:23 PM
Scaredofcasual Scaredofcasual is offline
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We did agree to be monogamous for now in the main and in truth he said he would only want something to happen in a blue moon anyway. He opened up a lot more about things and said a lot of things that speak volumes. He remembers the last time he fell hard for someone in infatuation and he got horribly depressed and it turned him off on the intensity of feeling so strongly for someone and them not returning it. I think he's doing a lot of emotional guarding and is only hedging the exclusivity issue as more of a safe notion of not being completely tied down to one person yet . But he also expressed wanting that too.

I'm fairly convinced now that in truth he's NOT polyamorous. One thing he doesn't do is think about doing things with others when he's away from me. He very rarely watches porn and he doesn't like to "set up" things like online hook ups, even together. He wants the spontanaeity to be real and to let things just flow. He also said he would prefer, and find it hotter to do things with me involved as long as I'm into it and not hurt and jealous by it because then it would ruin the mood anyway.

The theme I seem to see among truly polyamorous people is a natural desire to share themselves with other people emotionally as well as sexually and this he's made quite clear is not what he's looking for. He once expressed while a little drunk the idea of a three way relationship appealing to a degree, but then as someone else commented the thought that came along with it about it being a buffer if one person leaves seems to be a little incongruent with satisfaction in one relationship as secure. I think it's more guarding against emotional hurt and loss. He is scared someone who loves him is going to fall out of it and leave. He's had bad experiences in the past. He finds it difficult to even talk about them.

All I can do is just live day to day with him and give him all the love and support I can along with the trust that we aren't going to move any further on the extra play part until and unless I am really game for it. Since he has no problem with that, it seems that he wants something also demonstrated on my end. That I'm really going to be there in the long run and do not display any definite needs for somebody else either. He's obviously not completely comfortable with "sharing" me with others in a full way since he does not ever want me sharing a night with someone else instead of being home with him in our bed. Again. Doesn't truly sound like a poyamorous person from what I've read.

All I know is I love him deeply and I DID fall for him strongly with infatuation and no holds barred. So it makes me a bit more vulnerable, but it also enables me to use that intensity of devotion to show him that I really want him only and that's all I'll ever need. Maybe in time it will be more then enough for him and the superfluous spice of a third will become even less of an attraction in his mind. Or maybe conversely I'll be a lot more secure and stable with him and adding some extra people for fun will be just a fun pastime once in a while and we'll both be completely fulfilled and satisfied. Time will tell.

The only important thing anyway is that I made myself completely clear. I am not hard wired in any way to accept open relationships. I simply cannot enjoy or even tolerate the idea of him pleasuring or being pleasured by someone else with me nowhere in the picture. It's absolutely impossible for that not to deeply hurt me and feels like it's cheating and a betrayal of our couple relationship. In that sense I am definitely nominally monogamous. I told him if it ever came to the point he felt he needed that, then it's a certainty that it's the end of our relationship. I would rather not have him at all then to have to share him in that way. It would kill the love I have for him. It's just too much of a threat to my principles and needs when it comes to somebody being my lover.
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