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Old 06-18-2010, 01:34 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727

And some people who responded are obviously in different spaces to KT and me. From what I have read she is, like me, essentially very happy in her relationship.
She does say that alot especially in other threads. I just think that constant focus on the negative, or perceived negative, is detrimental to moving-on and growth.
I have no one to talk about this stuff with, this is the only place that there is any understanding of my situation. The few people I have told can't understand why I would put up with the situation. They almost see it as a form of abuse and me lacking something in myself that makes me stay.
I feel bad for you on this one. Do you think it may be because of the way you are presenting it? I have told several people and I have yet to run into any negative. Perhaps you are presenting as a victim and then they are wondering why you would continue to make yourself miserable? Just a thought. The only negative I have received from the people I have come out to is their concern for my relationship with KT. Not my husband, nor 2Rings. This may be because I present the happiness first, problems aren't the projection I want here.

J does have a very easy domestic set up, she has worked hard to create it and I know she does have other challenges. I know that it must also be difficult being a secondary. J has so far remained celibate, one of the reasons being that she believes this will save her from tormented feelings when Z ( and maybe others) aren't there (which is most of the time).
Nothing in these statements seem to convey an easy time for J.

But the feelings that have been expressed in this thread are real. It's all very well to talk of love and compersion (the up sides of poly) but we monos have these feelings and I'm sure there is another range of challenging feelings that is common to 'secondaries' (I'm just using this as a label here for convenience of understanding). I think it's really healthy to be able to express these feeling somewhere and have people going through the same things understand.
Absolutely! Express away. I was just giving you a different perspective and the opportunity to think about what a poly secondary may be feeling, and how general statements that aren't really factual can be misleading.

For me, and I am only speaking for myself, 2Rings is a secondary in your terms but I do NOT consider his love for me any less than my husband's love for me. We do not share domestic duties and responsibilities. We do not have children. We do make time for eachother which in itself can wreak havoc on our lives in other ways (having to deal with scheduling, paying for our meetings/activities, and most importantly the possible-not always- but sometimes reactions of our spouses.) We make time for eachother because that is what you do to stay connected. All the reasons you state as obstacles are just that...obstacles, but mostly ones that should be easily set aside for a few hours each week to connect with your loved one.

I think you should express and vent and tell your story. It is important for everyone. I read mono pov's because I have two in my life. I need to hear their problems so I understand what I need to do. Don't just read mono pov's because know what that feeling is. You are trying to learn and grow, not just commiserate. Important to make the connections of course with KT, AK and Mono etc but also VERY important you consider what you NEED to become more positive about your life.

Last edited by Morningglory629; 06-18-2010 at 01:36 PM.
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