Thanks for putting so much energy into your reply
I haven't read back over the thread but I am wondering if it was the commonality of feelings that made us seem complaining and whiny. And some people who responded are obviously in different spaces to KT and me. From what I have read she is, like me, essentially very happy in her relationship.
I have no one to talk about this stuff with, this is the only place that there is any understanding of my situation. The few people I have told can't understand why I would put up with the situation. They almost see it as a form of abuse and me lacking something in myself that makes me stay.
I didn't mean to generalize about all secondaries and I'm sorry if it came out that way. J does have a very easy domestic set up, she has worked hard to create it and I know she does have other challenges. I know that it must also be difficult being a secondary. J has so far remained celibate, one of the reasons being that she believes this will save her from tormented feelings when Z ( and maybe others) aren't there (which is most of the time).
But the feelings that have been expressed in this thread are real. It's all very well to talk of love and compersion (the up sides of poly) but we monos have these feelings and I'm sure there is another range of challenging feelings that is common to 'secondaries' (I'm just using this as a label here for convenience of understanding). I think it's really healthy to be able to express these feeling somewhere and have people going through the same things understand.
There is a lot more in your response but I will have to break it down a bit to digest it all fully.