Here is the issue I have with this thread...there is a tone here that a mono has some monopoly on relationship hardships. That is completely untrue. And KT I think you can attest to that and have posted on here about the issues 2R and I have had frequently. Also, you act as if the "secondaries" do not have their own domestic responsibilities, and dismiss the fact that those sometimes play on the relationships with your SOs. Not really a fair assessment-especially of how 2R and I relate to eachother on many levels.
So as a matter of fact in the general thread, the poly in your relationships have alot more to handle than you are giving them credit. They juggle at least two lovers. They are committed to both/all relationships. They are working hard to keep both/all happy (some poly have to juggle more than two). According to you they see you as their "meat and potatoes"...the staple in their lives, the nourishment that they need, their comfort food so to speak...not only are you commiserating about that role but you are dismissing their significant others as "dessert" -empty and not really filling. Very rude in my particular opinion. I think I offer a bit more to my lover than empty calories and fantasy. That may just be my opinion. But yes KT I would love to swap places with you for even just a month. I don't know
that I could live with 2R but I would like to try it some time. We are very similar...that could be a dream or a nightmare situation. I hope it would be the former.
You forget that your polys are by nature loving and generous people who are doing their very best to provide and support you and see you through ACCEPTING them. Not accepting the end of the future you thought you had...you are learning to accept them as who they truly are and ALWAYS have been when you look into their relationships, and BTW that future is still with them, right? You have all stated something to tune of "Don't take this as complaining- because I love him/her to bits etc;" but YOU ARE COMPLAINING!
You are sticking this out because you have great spouses/gf/bf/SO whatever you want to call them. But here is what I think you are all missing in the poly/mono debate: relationships are all individual...I relate to my men individually. I bring to them what they need from me as individuals. There is no blanket way of loving. It is all real...nothing fake, or forced, or without struggles. Is alot of it NRE? Maybe in your opinion. I think it is just energy itself. I bring energy to any relationship I have- it isn't new and then fizzles. Energy is a constant. I work at every relationship: friendship, family tie or lover. I can only assume your SOs are similar in that they are passionate people...that is what you are drawn to. Now I do not pretend to understand the need for labeling yourselves as primary and us secondary but if that is what you feel is necessary then so be it. But you really shouldn't make it seem as if the relationship or the love is somehow less than yours. I think that is naive on your part. So I would just ask that you not relegate my understanding of how you feel as subpar because I am poly and you are mono. I think I am pretty good at maintaining relationships because I pay attention and think of my lovers and friends usually before I think of myself, and that is the trick for success and happiness. So I guess I do have a very different perspective. I hope this helps...truly I do. I don't want you to take this as a rant or retaliatory in nature. I just think if you are going to continue relationships with your polys you need to appreciate them a little more and not complain so much. There is a difference between venting and whining. Someone on here once told me...Don't look this gift horse in the mouth
, another one said, Don't be greedy
. Those have become checkpoints for me! Just sharing.