Well a lot has happened. We had a huge blowout yesterday which ended up in us finally resolving a great deal of unanswered topics between us and most importantly I came away with a few definite assurances. Overall at the heart of things is a very marked difference in how he sees sex. It might be worth mentioning he's particularly ADHD and has difficulty relating to time in many respects. He has a hard time thinking in terms of past and when and how things happened. They all jumble together.
However that might not have anything truly to do with it, it could just be another way he's hard-wired. Basically he does not see sex as the most basic or necessary component of a love relationship. He thinks it's “jovial and novel” especially when seeing something new that can turn you on, and while he loves having sex with me, he doesn't also see anything wrong with sometimes taking care of himself if he's in the spontaneous mood to do so. He doesn't understand why this bothers me when we already have a situation where I have a higher sex drive and I want him to be as “ready” for me as many times as he can be. Now naturally if we're apart for days on end, I would have no problem with this and indeed even encourage because it's better then doing something elseelse
But I tried to explain that even as he draws security, support and comfort in the intimacy of me being home every night and cuddling together, I draw it from regular sexual expression together and this is much more to me then physical, it's completely emotional. He simply doesn't connect the emotionalism with sex. He sees it as just biological plumbing and physical fun but hardly anything directly involved or indicative of love and intimacy.
He seems to think this is a common or reasonable way to think, but I can't even wrap my head around it. What kind of love relationships begin in the world without sex being the driving force between them? It's the whole drive of our existence to procreate and form pair bonds. Naturally in later years such things can happen with pure Agape love but for normal, young sexual human beings, isn't that expected natural behavior to equate sex with love at the heart? I simply can't understand how he can so completely separate them. It's part of why this has been such an insecurity issue for me.
The most important thing is he made it even more clear to me that he does not have any definite need to play around, my relationship is still the most important thing and while he'd be happy for me to bring in a third sometime he will wait and will not feel deprived or unsatisfied if it isn't happening. He'd LIKE it but it's not a true priority. I thought I was hearing mixed messages before..but maybe it's possible he has also altered his thoughts and feeling a little and realized what we had really IS more important and he doesn't want to jeopardize it. Even though he professes no natural inclination to jealousy sexually and keeps insisting I could play around with people and it will not bother him, he admits freely that he'd be massively jealous if I slept over at some hot dudes place. Simply sleeping with him would upset him.
Plus when he thought I was writing him a letter wanting to break up, (complete opposite...I'm detailing everything that's happening on his end that makes me insecure and keeps bringing up these feelings of disconnectedness and feelings of not being “enough” for him)...anyway he said back at one line:
“It's always the one who
wants to rush things and rehearses no end of Hollywood style romance
rubbish that winds up sleeping around then skipping out. I'll be upset
and depressed but okay I guess, you I'm more worried about.”
It doesn't sound like something someone would say if they truly felt no jealousy to my mind. I'm wondering if he's just had some bad experiences in the past which he doesn't share with me...I know sweet fuck all about his previous loves..and this is making him shut out all possibility of allowing sexual connection to be the primary and motivating force. Maybe he desensitized himself to it with the many years of casual sex and now it's impossible to go back? Still, I did.
Most importantly I'm pretty convinced now that he's not truly polyamorous. He certainly doesn't want me literally “sleeping” with other people or having separate emotional relationships and I think that would be very central to a Poly's nature.
So he's willing to live monogamously in practice although he hates to use the “label”. Doesn't want to be labeled that way...and just leave the door open for me to allow a third or not completely without pressure. He will not play separate and never has in 7 months. He made it clear he was ALWAYS going to stick by that and never suggested he would break that agreement. He just wants me to lighten up and look at sex more lightly and don't allow insecurity and jealousy to prevent us from having spice fun with guys out of fear about made up circumstances of worry.
I can live with that. With no pressure on me, timeline or suggestion that he will not be satisfied enough to live with just me in that regard, I can follow that path. Maybe in a shorter time then I think I'll find the idea of inviting others in for fun easy.