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Old 07-27-2009, 05:59 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
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I'm going to offer a different perspective here. I apologize ahead of time if I ruffle some feathers, because I obviously don't know the nuances or the true picture of what's happening in this relationship. But so far, most of the replies I've seen have been coming from the perspective of couples and not not from the perspective of thirds. And what I've seen has ruffled my feathers quite a bit.

Here are some examples of what I read that indeed ruffled my feathers:

Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
It also sounds like she may have felt she was intruding on you and your husbands relationship. Perhaps she wasn't ready to be an "equal".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
It is hard to overcome the social conditioning we are taught as we grow up. So all you can do is to try to work to get people to re-evaluate the things they were taught growing up and see if they can accept new ideas like triads.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
I hate to question everyone's motive, but perhaps she was not the person you and your husband thought she was or were in love with? Maybe the living alone was a convenient excuse to not totally immerse herself in the lifestyle? Maybe she was still finding herself, questioning herself and her ingrained upbringing and not ready to commit to the life forever.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DestinyWaits View Post
Mark I believe you are right on this one, the two of us have thought the same thing since she kept refusing to move in with us even though it had been almost a year.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
Destiny....I think maybe the kicker was she had two kids....she probably didn't or couldn't come to grips with how to deal with this sitaution and her kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
perhaps this whole poly thing isn't for her?

All of these seem to suggest that if the third is not fitting into the version of what the couple wants, it must be because she (or her approach or her ability to cope) is somehow flawed or coming from the wrong place or whatever.

All relationships (mono, poly, friendships, partnerships, family etc.) run by a pretty similar formula. People have needs that are or are not met in these relationships.

Did it ever occur to anyone that perhaps this third's needs are different than the couple's and that's ok?

I'm currently dating a couple and am grateful for the enrichment and love we share, but I've been very clear about the fact that I'm not interested in moving in and being their "third" despite how equal they want me to be. This is because I have needs they can't meet. I know that I were to move in and join a couple as a triad, I would have to give up a heck of a lot more than they would. I want to build a life in partnership, start a family, etc. I would not get that opportunity with a couple as they have already done that. In addition, if I were to move in with a couple and marry into it, there will have been all sorts of decisions about the life we lead together that were already made long before I was ever in the picture, and I would never get to be a part of such things, no matter how hard the couple tries to make me "equal". Well, that's simply not what I want. Thankfully the couple I'm dating has been understanding of where I am and so we are able to let our relationship grow into what's right for the relationship, not into what's right for their preconceived notions of making a polyfi triad.

This doesn't mean that I'm not ready for poly or can't cope or that poly isn't for me or that I haven't gotten over the conformist social conditioning or anything else like that. . It simply means that I have different needs.

Honestly, it's this sense of entitlement that couples often approach relationships with that makes unicorns so rare.

Last edited by Ceoli; 07-27-2009 at 11:52 AM.
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