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Old 06-15-2010, 08:39 PM
Scaredofcasual Scaredofcasual is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 10

JKelly wrote:

That sounds really awful, and also not healthy. It may well be possible that after the two of you have been together longer and you have done some work on personal and relationship issues, you may feel more stable and less likely to obsess over things. It may be that going to see a counsellor who is familiar with open relationships could help you in getting to a healthier place with this. But I think it's worth carefully considering the idea that you may just need to demand monogamy in your relationships and therefore there is a fundamental incompatibility here.
I'm hoping this too. I've read that the "eros" phase of love lasts between 6 months to a year and half on average and that after this period there is an invariable slowing down of the neediness drive and the romantic singularity you feel toward a person. I'm hoping that this will be the case. I don't want to think that I'm completely imcompatible with the concept and practice of just having fun with others. I was never that straight laced BEFORE and I find it incredibly vexing that I've developed these conservative feelings. Maybe it's insecurity in the main. Maybe I just feel that there is always a threat if your partner is potentially open to other people's sexual affections.

That said, you're crazy about this guy, he is respecting your boundaries with a compromise that is more-or-less working, and all of this angst is about stuff that he'd like to do but is not because he respects your relationship. That's a lot of angst over something that is not actually happening, just like it wouldn't be happening in a monogamous relationship! Whatever you decide to do, you need to stop letting this interfere with your living a successful, happy life.
Yes. You're absolutely right about that. I need to keep myself grounded and not allow myself to focus on our relationship as being central and of absolute necessity to my happiness and worthiness as a human being. But that's easier said then done. I LOVE him. I desire to be with him as much as I can be, share his life and experiences with him and plan the future together as a committed couple. I don't want to joined at the hip per se...I have never stopped him from going off to his parents for days at a time out of town even when I could have joined him. I don't need 100% attention focused on me and I want him to live his life in respect to family, friends and work, but I just can't help but feel threatened about anything that involves sexual attention or interest involving someone else than me. He sees it as unimportant to commitment and relationships, but I don't. I see it as a natural expression of desire for someone to be your one and only companion. What is so important in casual sex play that is missing from devoted lover sex? Is it just a feeling of fun and adventure that someone feels is unecessary to deny for the rest of their life based on an outdated and narrow-minded dogma of one-on-one patnership? Is he just saying that he is happy, can be happy with us a couple in the main, but just does not see a necessity of barring all future sexual experiences as exclusive? I just worry that his basic feeling is a sense of incompleteness and worry of boredom and staleness. But since I discovered that it's really possible to be completely fulfilled with someone when you fall passionately and totally in love with them and they rock your world sexually, I keep doubting his depth of feelings for me. I keep thinking that maybe I'm just the best thing that's come along so far and he wants it desperately, but also wants much more that I can't give him alone. This makes me feel inadequate and somewhat of a failure.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 06-15-2010 at 10:58 PM. Reason: quote correction
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