Thank you for your reply River. What do I think? Um....It's certainly a very tempting idea. It puts the issue off and enables me the time to deal with how I feel. But I keep thinking that if I don't take the plunge so to speak...that It'll just be easier and easier to accept the temporary deal and not fully explore his desire and feelings to play with others. In one sense I shouldn't have so much to complain about...he's not demanding a separate emotional or even a sexual encounter at this point. A truly polyamorous person would not be satisfied with that kind of limitation. I at least have that sharing option of doing it only together.
I guess the biggest question I have is what steps can I take to overcome the hurt I feel about the desire for other people? How do I accept his love and devotion for me as being primary and profound without letting the horniness of spice play be a threat? I guess deep down I just feel a sense of betrayal and insincerity of deep emotional involvement when he doesn't feel and possessiveness or exclusivity in regards to me. I can't wrap my head around the idea of someone needing/wanting a sexual encounter with someone with someone else if they are truly in love and sexually satisfied with their partner. I can admit freely that I have been attracted to other people and it's not even that sex with them would be so horrible, but my natural inclination is to feel at the core of my being that I only need and want this kind of attention and behaviour from my partner. I want them to be the person I yearn for, save my sexual energy for and the idea of him plowing someone else, (or being plowed..whatever), just feels like it's a symptom of discontent and unfillfilled need that I cannot ever satisfy because I'm not ENOUGH. I can't seem to move past that one basic feeling. I know I'm good in bed, we don't have any hangups or strange fetish desires other then his liking of multiples at times. I DID enjoy some of that behaviour in the past, but it's all paled now in comparison to the love that comes along with our sexual expression. Sorry to be so blunt...but I don't care if I EVER have a dick up my ass while I'm orally working on him just because it's "hot". It all seems so superficial to me now and just not as "hot" when my feelings became focused on him alone.
I mean, how do you live a life with somebody that you want to be special and committed as a partnership...first and foremost...a couple if there are always extra people needed in the paradigm for someone to be fulfilled? A couple to me means two as one. Not 3 or 6. I guess when it comes down to it, I'm just not built for polyamory. I can hopefully deal with 3somes as a spice things, but I just seem to have a hard time separating love from sex now when you are truly into someone.