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Old 06-15-2010, 07:58 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scaredofcasual View Post
I think in truth that I am a monogamous person at heart. I like the idea of "romantic love" and two becoming one, and I just can't help but see this inclusion of other people as a spreading and thinning of desire and commitment
Well, yes that does sound like something someone who is "monogamous at heart" might say.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scaredofcasual View Post
If you're willing to let go of a primary partner that (supposedly) fills your sexual needs in the main, as well as all of the other major lifestyle commitments and partnership qualities, then what does that actually say as to your priorities? That in the end, casual sex is the MOST important thing? If you couldn't kep getting it you would choose to throw away the love and commitment and never have sex with me again just to keep the new and novel? I have an extremely hard time resolving that with "committment".
Instead of defending nonmonogamy to you here, I think that there's a bigger assumption that's getting missed. People fall in love, and have rewarding initial relationships, with people they're not compatible with for all sorts of reasons. Love, you know, doesn't actually conquer all. We need to know what things are dealbreakers for us, and be clear about them. Whatever that dealbreaker is may not be the "most important thing" in our lives, but not settling for a relationship with incompatibility may well be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scaredofcasual View Post
One last thing...he did mention a couple of times a triad couple who share a 3way relationship in England and he was admiring it and even said "I think that would be the ultimate". One of his reasons was that if someone left he would still have someone. To me that would be the ultimate nightmare.
As an aside, this sounds weird to me. Relationships don't actually work this way, at least in my experience. If someone leaves, you mourn the relationship with that person, and while it is always nice to have someone who can support you in that process, it's not like having a backup stereo system in case you blow the speakers out. Relationships are unique.

I'd find it pretty unsettling if my partner said something that made it sound like they thought of relationships as disposable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scaredofcasual View Post
What's bothering me is I'm constantly obsessing about this... how I'm going to stand watching him pleasure and get pleasured by someone else other then me. I've been heavily drinking in the day and sleeping more to retreat and I've been losing my natural interest and happiness in the world around me. I keep feeling like without a full commitment to me, a total satisfaction between us, that it simply isn't complete and strong.
That sounds really awful, and also not healthy. It may well be possible that after the two of you have been together longer and you have done some work on personal and relationship issues, you may feel more stable and less likely to obsess over things. It may be that going to see a counsellor who is familiar with open relationships could help you in getting to a healthier place with this. But I think it's worth carefully considering the idea that you may just need to demand monogamy in your relationships and therefore there is a fundamental incompatibility here.

That said, you're crazy about this guy, he is respecting your boundaries with a compromise that is more-or-less working, and all of this angst is about stuff that he'd like to do but is not because he respects your relationship. That's a lot of angst over something that is not actually happening, just like it wouldn't be happening in a monogamous relationship! Whatever you decide to do, you need to stop letting this interfere with your living a successful, happy life.
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