40 year old Gay Male - First true love relationship
Hi everyone. I hope I can learn a lot and try to not only understand my partner but be able to incorporate our feelings into a workable compromise. It's a weird situation for me now...although it wasn't as a concept before.
I have had 2 relationships prior to this. Both long term, the second one 8 years. The first one was a terrible disaster because he was a true sociopath that caused me innumerable amounts of stress and grief as he was a thief, con-man and even stole money from my parents, along with terrorizing the in a way that involved dragging me out of the closet. I was quite scarred after that experience. My second relationship was primarily good as to companionship, but there wasn't any true passion in it and we eventually got to the point that we were never having sex anymore, it was always separate and I realized this couldn't work.
My 3rd, my current, has been the revelation. I fell for this man in a way that I never dreamed was possible. Not only was he everything I ever wanted but he also fulfills me completely and totally in every way, especially sexually.
The snag is this...we met online, while we were both single and we had both an admittedly promiscuous past in the main (in my case mainly anonymously and completely unemotional), and in his particular case he has never been in a serious relationship that even required any type of fidelity. He has had some relationships but I don't really know much about them. He never talks about his ex's and we had a big fight recentl about it being none of my beezwax unless he wishes to share. His past is his past and he doesn't like to remember a lot of it, he's well over it and as long as he gives me his present and future, that's all that matters.
We're 7 months along now..but I discovered a month or so into the relationship that as I fell in love with him, I lost all of my desire to play with other people. The only times we managed to do so was when we both partook in a bit of hard substances which can make you ridiculously sexual and dampen your higher mind functions. However, we both only dabbled in these things the last few years and wanted to be out of that scene although he still admittedly has a hankering for the experiences once in a blue moon although he still has a natural distrust and aversion to it too.
I started off this relationship with the expression to him that if we were going to be serious, I first off could NEVER handle an "open relationship" of any kind. I simply cannot experience compersion in a way that would allow me to accept or even tolerate such a thing. I have an incredibly active and vivid imagination and even the thought of an intense sexual moment between him and someone else sparks a stab of pain in me. It's MANAGEABLE when I'm there and involved and that's our compromise. He personally does not feel physically jealous. He would not be bothered about me playing with someone else separately even and he wouldn't have qualms about him doing so either, but he's willing to not do it because it hurts me to think of it.
So he's ethical, he is giving me what I want and only allowing me to call the shots. He also has said that he is only emotionally involved with me, and nothing casual could be a threat. He just thinks it's hot and shouldn't be overly sentamentalized as meaning anything deeply connected to love and relationships. He loves sex with me, but his true intimacy comes from sleeping with me, cuddling with me, talking about the future..etc.. He just always saw sex as easy to get, uncomplicated and ultimately divorced from real intimacy and committment. Not like the norm in most cases. He did admit though that maybe in his early days he thought he wanted that but it seemed to turn into a disaster of an idea and he gave up on it as being realistic or ideal.
The one thing he DOES have as an absolute necessity is that I be home with him every night, always sleeping with him. I could screw many hot guys and it wouldn't bother him, but he'd FLIP if I stayed the night and actually slept with them. This of course is so weirdly foreign to me...
I think in truth that I am a monogamous person at heart. I like the idea of "romantic love" and two becoming one, and I just can't help but see this inclusion of other people as a spreading and thinning of desire and commitment. He thinks that's a foolish Hollywood notion and that only true individuals wanting to be separate and together demonstrates true love and commitment, not being "half of a whole". See, to me it seems selfish to not be satisfied with one person if your sex life is great and they want you in all other major ways. (Sorry, not trying to be judgmental on the people who live this lifestyle and are fine with it, but hoenstly, that's the emotion it invokes in me). The problem is I keep hearing this simple message...I'm simply not good enough. I can't satisfy you completely. Worse, if it eventually led to a breakup because he does not want monogamy (which he spelled out clearly a few days ago...he does not want to have to limit himself sexually to one person period when we should be able to enjoy extra spice for the fun of it.), then that sends another strong message to me too. If you're willing to let go of a primary partner that (supposedly) fills your sexual needs in the main, as well as all of the other major lifestyle commitments and partnership qualities, then what does that actually say as to your priorities? That in the end, casual sex is the MOST important thing? If you couldn't kep getting it you would choose to throw away the love and commitment and never have sex with me again just to keep the new and novel? I have an extremely hard time resolving that with "committment".
One last thing...he did mention a couple of times a triad couple who share a 3way relationship in England and he was admiring it and even said "I think that would be the ultimate". One of his reasons was that if someone left he would still have someone. To me that would be the ultimate nightmare. I know unquestionably I cannot invest myself emotionally into 2 people at once. I want one person and one love. I was quite upset by this and kind of lambasted him on it which got him upset for talking freely and he said that it was only a theoretical idea. He isn't saying he requires it or wants to plan it out.
He accuses me of constantly thinking too much and imagining these horrible scenarios of him playing around and judging him when he hasn't even done anything without me in all of these 7 months.
Ok..this is getting quite long...There's much more I could express and explain to clarify and discuss parts and I hope there's some good advice out there for me to figure out where to get my head space at. What's bothering me is I'm constantly obsessing about this. I have merry-go-round mind that is always thinking about having to deal with this issue and when it's going to happen, how I'm going to stand watching him pleasure and get pleasured by someone else other then me. I've been heavily drinking in the day and sleeping more to retreat and I've been losing my natural interest and happiness in the world around me. I keep feeling like without a full commitment to me, a total satisfaction between us, that it simply isn't complete and strong.