I would like to suggest jkelly that the result of your #4, of rules are "often counter-productive"... and "that it's probably best to just avoid them..." could be because of your #9, in that you don't have anything in common with poly-fi folk... rules and discussion of boundaries seem to be big deal to this population because of primary relationships and family issues. Just a thought.
There's a difference between rules and boundaries, I think, at least in my view of things. A boundary is a first person policy: "I won't have sex unless I love the other person," or "I won't date someone who refuses to use a condom." A rule is a second person policy: "You can't have sex with Jimmy," or "You may not take Paula to our favorite restaurant." I think a polyfi family and a gaggle of swingers (what word should I have used?) can wind up with rules, or boundaries, or both.
Personally, I prefer the first-person restrictions, those on oneself, to those imposed on others. I think relationships tend to be healthier when you realize you can only control your own actions, particularly once you've opened the Pandora's box of poly and thrown the default version of monogamy out the window.