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  #35  
Old 06-13-2010, 07:22 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168
Default Rules being counter-productive

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I would like to suggest jkelly that the result of your #4, of rules are "often counter-productive"... and "that it's probably best to just avoid them..." could be because of your #9, in that you don't have anything in common with poly-fi folk... rules and discussion of boundaries seem to be big deal to this population because of primary relationships and family issues.
I think that people make rules in relationships for two related reasons. One is to avoid having to deal with jealousy; "I agree to never do x with someone else because it makes you jealous." The other is to try to protect an existing relationship; "I agree to never do x with someone else because it might lead to them becoming a bigger part of my life."

But, really, you'll never cover every single thing that might make someone feel threatened. Then, when someone gets upset, you wind up in a fight over whether or not a rule was broken. Every minute spent arguing over whether or not someone broke the rules, or how the rules should be interpreted, is a minute wasted on not dealing with the real issues.

If you've got rules, and never wind up having to fuss with them, it's almost certainly because you're reasonably secure in the relationship, can trust your partner to make good decisions in order to maintain a healthy, satisfying relationship with you, and are open to the changes that come as people move in and out of your lives. If you're already there, why have the rules?
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