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Old 06-12-2010, 11:23 PM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350

Thank you for your input redpepper. Lots to think about. I realize I'm feeling defensive and so I hope this post doesn't come across that way.

First things first:

Nerdist has very little holiday time and money already and has already decided to go and see you rather than spend time with me at a B and B, as promised this spring.
I did not know this! And I feel upset knowing this. I have been so careful not to disrupt your lives, especially because I know that this is a huge transition time for me.

I haven't wanted my emotional upheaval to disrupt anything in your lives, which is why I've been super honest every step of the way. I've kept a lot to myself because it's mine to deal with. That being said, I feel upset knowing that he is coming to visit me rather than taking you. I don't want NRE to cloud his decisions, nor mine.

When I next talk to him, I would like to address this.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I need people to be around me or I just don't see the point in being a lover. I need that constant connection and find it difficult to produce that when we finally get together.
I can definitely appreciate this. I don't personally need constant connection, in fact I'm someone who needs a lot of space. I have been on my own for so long that it would take some adjustment for me to get used to being around someone all the time. I don't find it difficult to produce a connection when I see someone after a long time.

I crave it though. To be part of a family, enmeshed, interconnected and rooted. But, I am also very careful to make decisions based on this desire. I need to take care of my health first.

Your family is already established. And being part of your family requires that any new people fit into what's already there. Yes, of course, you've all been soooo welcoming and accommodating to me. But, when it boils down to it, if I were to have a close, physical, regular connection with nerdist, I would need to fit into your lifestyle, your routines and your location.

I can't.

It feels like a fling to me rather than a bonded connection.
I wouldn't go as far as using the word fling, for me, because fling implies there are no or few feelings attached. But, there are definitely parts of the relationship that won't develop. Interconnectedness won't happen. We will be living separate lives.

Its a fantasy...
I'm so done with fantasy. This definitely doesn't resonate with me. Although I can see how it would seem that way. Personally, I see that I would be chasing a fantasy trying to live somewhere that I don't thrive. I would be putting so many of my eggs into one basket and if anything fell apart, I would be devastated. This is especially salient because I did exactly this a year and a half ago. And I have been having a hard time ever since.

To me, the fantasy is trying to turn this into something it can't be.

So, do I let him go and, as you say, let it fizzle as friends? Or, do he and I try to honour the connection we have and make the best of it?

I wanted to consider a LDR and wanted feedback to see how realistic it is and what it would entail. But, it's already seeming like it's disrupting things between you two and this scares me.

Of course, bringing in a new person is going to disrupt or change things, but to what degree is this ok? If me moving away is going to pull part of nerdist away, then I would rather sever it and be friends.
My heart is too big to fit into one person.
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