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Old 06-12-2010, 04:39 AM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mesmera View Post
I am sometimes/often left wondering why he has any reason to be interested in me, because it's unclear what I add to his life.
Ask your new boyfriend to answer this question, and then believe what he tells you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mesmera View Post
Here's where there's a problem: I want my boyfriend and I to be primaries. Or think along more involved/less involved lines.
It's been three or four months. Just let your relationship grow into what it is going to be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mesmera View Post
he said no, because he didn't want to determine how his other relationships would unfold. I can see this, intellectually, but I feel that if I had a primary/secondary mindset, I could manage those relationships and my emotions ethically and honor that agreement. And I don't see why he would not be willing to try similarly.
He's probably not willing to try that for exactly the reason that he told you; because he didn't want to determine how his other relationships would unfold. Part of communication is listening when your partner is being clear with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mesmera View Post
He also refused my suggested latex rules, which were that I'd prefer that he practice protected oral sex.
If you're uncomfortable with this, insist on safer oral sex between the two of you. Don't compromise on your STI boundaries regardless of what you're labelling this relationship in your head, or based on what you'd prefer him to do with other people but is unwilling to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mesmera View Post
Unless I add new partners...but I don't even know if that'll happen, as the guy I'm sorta interested in is already in another poly relationship and may not be that interested in a new full partner.
If this turns into a long-term relationship, it's likely you'll meet more than just one person who is a potential interest over time. Don't get too caught up in what's happening right this minute. And not everyone you date needs to be a "full partner".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mesmera View Post
I don't know if my ideas about primary/secondary are silly or demanding, or if I haven't been able to adequately communicate how important that arrangement really would be for me.
It's totally possible that you have clearly communicated what you want, that what you want is neither silly nor demanding, and that he isn't going to agree with it. That happens, and it doesn't necessarily mean that there is anything wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mesmera View Post
we have fewer options for seeing each other and staying over than during the school year.
That's a shame, and it will make things harder, and is perhaps another reason to let things just develop naturally over the course of the next few months, without putting a lot of pressure on the relationship to fit into requirements that don't make sense for both people.
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