Advice: The correct Title wont Come to Me so pls Read
To start off with I should give a bit of my background I have had experience and know plenty of Poly people, so it isnt a new concept to me. Previously having debated myself whether I could be Poly I have stated I am Mono. Generally because as a single bi female if I say I am Poly I begin feeling like a steak in the lions cage. The fact that I want to settle down and have babies, also means I am looking for a relationship that will allow me to do that. Being the secondary in a couple doesnt really open that door that often. I also have insecurity issues with regards to being loved. I am open to the idea of sharing, but I need to be very secure in a primary relationship, which means more work for my partner. A while ago I realized that it could be explained in the situation that if all your partners are drowning in a river, you save me first. Not very sharing, but I want to be loved and special, and reassured of it.
I have dated briefly a Poly Man, Married and noticeably older then I, and his Wife who had an OSO in addition to himself. When she had a jealousy freak out "I cannot compete with that" over a photo text message I ended the relationship because I do not play games, and was not going to be the next girl in a life long pattern between them. Their communication style was too jagged for a poly relationship with him to be anything more then cheating with permission.
So, now on to the actual situation. I am currently seeing a man who I have falling utterly for, since I am the hard and fast type when it comes to emotions of the heart. He is the secondary in a poly relationship. He said until then he had considered himself Mono. The relationship has become much more serious and situationally wise I am currently living with him. When I moved in his OSO decided to break up with him, as a temporary thing, I was suppose to be leaving. Then I changed my mind, and am now staying in the picture. This complicates matters, as they are both madly in love and both struggling with the current situation, of not being able to smoochy etc.
The conflict comes with the previous admitted insecurities. In all my considerations of being in a Poly relationship I had always considered it important to establish and secure a primary relationship, prior to moving into a more open situation. This was my logical reasoning for dealing with my insecurities. Of course this situation does not allow for that.
In the many discussions I have had with him, and the few I have had with her, I have not been able to directly communicate my internal situation, because honestly I have had difficulty, and still do putting my finger exactly on how to say things. They have asked in round about ways and directly about my feelings of them being able to resume their physical intimacy. I have said I am not ready for that yet, but left the door open for a future possibility. Maybe I am being selfish in wanting to ride the NRE for a bit longer before being able to share. I am not a daft bunny and know their emotional intimacy although being effected is still very strong.
I have worries about always coming second to such a strong personality.
I have worries about the fact that he loves her more then me, and always will, because they have a longer and shared history.
I am legitimately worried that at some point she will have a falling out with one of us and the chaos it will cause, especially since there is a desire for myself to become emotionally invested in the entire family, which although I feel a desire to, am afraid of being hurt so being very cautious. She is a truly amazing person and I like her a lot, but the bits of her history I know, has proven that she is not one to be wronged, and sometimes you do not realize you have wronged her until too late.
I also feel guilty about coming between them at the moment, selfish about wanting to have him for myself to establish a strong primary relationship, before testing the sharing waters. And I feel a twangy of confused Jealousy, Envy, and Guilt when I see him or her ache for eachother across the room.
Which although, they both are trying not to pressure me while still moving their agenda forward, though I am not suppose to know that because I think they are both underestimating me a bit, after only really knowing me for a few months. I feel pressured to just give in to the overwhelming tide of eventuality.
So, any insights or advice?
Last edited by foxy; 06-11-2010 at 06:08 PM.