Welp, figured I'd post an update on the situation.
I went ahead and went on my date with her to the zoo. I had a great time and our styles of interacting really mesh incredibly well. She loves being able to decide what to do and where to go, and I like not having to make those kinds of decisions. But she's still very thoughtful, so when I have something to say I say it and she's more than happy to accommodate me.
Physically though? Nothing. But it was our second meeting so I wasn't expecting a whole lot. At the end however I worked up the nerve to ask her where she saw this going. The answer was basically that she wanted to try and pursue the BDSM angle, and from there we went back to emailing to set that up. She said it was good I asked the question because when she's excited about something she has a tendency to take one step then stall out, and me asking helped give her momentum again.
So, I figured that's all she wanted, and I was sort of okay with that. Eventually we managed to schedule a meet which was last sunday, and my was it awkward. It was the most platonic bondage session ever. I don't even need to skimp on the details to avoid TMI! She tied some knots onto me and that was basically it, aside from what little physical contact was required to do that, she didn't touch me at all. During or after.
Unfortunately when I got on the train home and was away from her company propping up my mood I crashed pretty hard emotionally. I felt she had to know, so I managed to schedule a phonecall with her tuesday night to tell her what had happened.
She was so nice and accepting, and told me repeatedly how happy she was that I was finally opening up to her and telling her what was going on in my head. She explained she wasn't sure if she really wanted to pursue the BDSM thing, but that she really liked me outside of that, too, and was really glad I was expressing myself with her. That me not expressing myself made things really hard for her during our contact, and that although we talked about tons of stuff I never expressed how I was feeling about things.
She sounds so pained about me not letting her in. I feel so terrible, knowing I'd been hurting her all along by being so reluctant and uncommunicative and afraid, when she's been nothing but nice and accepting to me, always making sure not to do anything I wasn't ready for. And I realized that she wasn't being reserved, I was! And she was picking up on that and keeping a respectful distance!
We wanted to keep talking more, but a friend of her's had already been waiting for her for 5 minutes by the end of it, so we agreed since we were both busy to email for now. She added that she wanted me to use whatever medium of communication I found easier to express myself to her.
I think I'm going to lay my cards out on the table and trust her, cause she's given me every reason to. Tell her that I really like her, enjoy spending time with her, find her attractive and I want to keep seeing her, but I'm scared because she's poly. Maybe I misinterpreted, and she doesn't like me that way. But she deserves my honesty, to know where I stand. I don't want to hurt her anymore by keeping her out.
Should I feel terrified?
Last edited by Eni; 06-11-2010 at 01:45 AM.