That woman is seriously, serously in need of a good ole ass whoopin'!!!!!!!!!
I didn't read the whole thing. I lost patience with her after I read that she would be willing to contact persons a & b if YOU felt you needed a mediator! If I were to go that route I would personally opt for an impartial third party--someone who doesn't know either of you or the other parties who might be mentioned.
She can cite all she wants to BUT in the end it's how YOU feel you were treated that matters. Not her opinion, not her other lovers and not some professional.
Which brings me to--she went & spoke to other people about the situation yet chastised you for doing the same? Granted we are nameless, faceless people in this situation BUT as such we have no stake in the outcome.
A wee bit of a story so you can see where I'm coming from: Twenty odd years ago I met a boy whom I got to know and deeply loved. I thought he was the greatest thing (being a teen & in my early 20's this tends to happen). I did things with him that no one else had ever considered doing with me. He never hit me but he did control me in ways that were unhealthy. I didn't see my family very much, friends went by the wayside, I ended up living at a center for abused women and those who had no place ele to go (I had no place else to go since I didn't consider myself abused). My mind wasn't my own. It eventually turned out that he was mentally ill, it ran in the family, and ended up serving time three different times for sexual assault and forcible confinement. None of this was against me or I would have been the one serving the time & he'd be six feet under. Even now the details are fuzzy but I can honestly say that he was a control freak and loved nothing more than having me under his thumb and at his beck and call. We eventually married and stayed that way during his first jail term. He got out and things were going along great, or so I though, until he attacked one of my roommates with a steak knife & ran. That was the last straw. I divorced him and his controling ways. I went to councelling on my own and eventually became a mentally healthy woman again.
My second marriage was even worse with jealousy, mental and emotional abuse and one instance where he hit me. After ten years I couldn't take it any more and left. In good faith I even left our then 9 y/o sons with him because I could barely take care of me, let alone children.
I am happy to say that my kids are fine & I see them frequently and I am the happiest and healthiest I have felt and been in a very, very long time.
If you want more details feel free to PM me.
The point is that you can't always tell that YOU are the one being abused because you are too close to the situation. Those of us who are on the outside looking in can often see the situation for what it is because we aren't the ones wearing the rose colored glasses.
You obviously feel something isn't right with this relationsp & love not-with-standing you need to go over things point by point with yourself and see how these things made you feel. See how they made you feel as a whole. I'd be willing to bet that in the last year you have spent more time lost, confused and dreading what was coming next than you did happy and eager for the next good thing.
Your feelings are just as valid as hers are.
You may be young but in my opinion you have your shit more together than she does by about 1000%!
This is just a guess but you have spent a good deal of the past year confused by her behavior, haven't you? This is a very good sign that something isn't right with HER. It has nothing to do with you. Some people are very, very good at acting normal when the public is around just so they don't appear to be off their rocker. All bets are off when they are alone or in a one on one situation.
Please, for your own sanity and peace of mind, find yourself a poly friendly councellor and talk to them about these things and then RUN away from this woman as far and as fast as humanly possible! Sometimes we CAN love someone who isn't good for us. That doesn't mean we have to have a relationship with them. It means we acknowledge that love and move on with our lives. Good luck and please keep us up to date.