Taking it Slowly and finding middle ground
I thought S Cat's advice was wonderful as well. One of those replies where you just think 'she's nailed it'.
As I said, I've had (still have) quite a similar dynamic happening, we're just a couple of years down the track. As far as taking it slowly and finding middle ground all you can do I think is experiment. Try things, see how they affect you and then re-negotiate and try again.
Loving each other deeply and being committed to each other's happiness as much as your own is a key. I have accepted things like Z going and staying with J but then when it has happened it has caused me too much pain even with the texts and phone calls. My mind is there with them the whole time. I know I will have to get over this but the 5 days we tried it last time was too much.
We will try it again but just for one night and a week night not a weekend.
It's an ongoing process and sometimes it's great and sometimes it all feels too hard. It's taken me two years to accept that it's not going away and to try and work with it positively. If I was younger and wasn't so financially enmeshed with Z I honestly don't know if I would still be here even though I love him more than I have ever loved anyone before.
Thinking of you