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Old 06-09-2010, 07:55 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168

Originally Posted by Kadence View Post
How do I not feel like an outsider or the third wheel? How to I manage the fact that they live together and I'll be on my own?
Well, in theory, at some point in the future that time difference won't matter as much. It may one day make sense to all live together. But it sounds like this relationship is pretty new, so I'm not sure it makes a lot of sense to focus on this stuff right now. Instead, figure out if you can get enough of what you want and need from this relationship for it to make sense for you to be in.

Originally Posted by Kadence View Post
Is it wrong for me to want someone who will be as completely comitted to me as I am to them? Is it selfish of me to not want to share (again)?
Nope, that's not wrong at all. If you're clear that what you really want is a mono- relationship, don't settle. Unless you're some kind of saint, your resentment will eventually poison things, or you'll meet someone who will give you that and wind up bailing. That said, a lot of people who had a hard time with polyamory at first are now super happy to be doing it, and are having rewarding, successful relationships, even people who are more mono- by nature.

Originally Posted by Kadence View Post
I'm also young, and I want to have children.
People who want kids fall in love with people who don't all the time. As Mono suggested, it may be that they're open to having more. On the other hand, if you're poly- you can continue to have a relationship with this man while looking for a partner who wants to have kids with you. Don't do this if you'll immediately dump your boyfriend to go off and be mono- with this hypothetical new guy! But there are poly- guys out there who want kids.

How do I see the other side, to see that this could be great?
Forums like this one are a good resource; people have posted some success stories here, for instance. Lots of people recommend Franklin's poly articles at and there are plenty of other online resources you can find. Also, talk to poly- people in your area; go to poly- events and make friends with people who have happy poly- relationships.
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