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Old 06-09-2010, 07:35 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168
Smile Too slow?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Honestheart View Post
I've heard it said that in poly you can try to "move at the speed of the one who is struggling the most" as a way to help all relationships involved grow healthy and steady.
Sometimes that makes sense, but I personally would almost never give that advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Honestheart View Post
Is there such a thing as going too slow so that you are hindering emotional growth and consequently the growth of all relationships?
Well, yes, but that is precisely the point! Going slowly (whether for yourself or for the sake of someone else) is an attempt to keep the relationship from growing as fast as it would naturally. One consequence of that is that whatever personal growth the people involved would experience is, at best, delayed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Honestheart View Post
and if you find yourself at such a point, what do you do? keep holding or take a step forward and deal with the emotional aftermath?
My first impulse is to say "take the step", but... infatuation can sometimes give us a false sense of urgency. This is why checking in with friends and other partners is so valuable. They'll often be able to separate out misguided feelings of urgency from an appropriate deepening of a new relationship. If a partner is only saying "Go slow! Go slower!", they're kind of falling down on that job, and you'll have to rely on your own good judgement.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Honestheart View Post
the relationship you were in ended badly
and you find yourself being asked to wait or doing it of your own accord... to find out is there was a possibility the relationship could be mended either in friendship only or romantically in a poly relationship ... would you?
No, and I hope that someone would help me get further along in the grieving process if I did. The point of ending a relationship is to get out of a dynamic that isn't working. One of the benefits of being poly- is that ex-s can come back into our lives in more ways when things have changed, but that will be a new and different relationship. Take the time you need to grieve that relationship, but go on with your life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Honestheart View Post
when you are in a relationship, when is it time to say we need to take a step ahead because we are going so slow it is hindering the emotional growth of all of the relationships.
I am not sure that I understand exactly what you're asking here. Relationships, you know, grow and develop. If you want to see more of someone, ask to see more of them. If you want to hear some commitments, offer some and ask for some. If you want to become more physically intimate, make a move. Not every relationship is going to go at the pace we'd like, and we need to just let them happen. Just don't put the brakes on, and then do some clear thinking about whether or not your expectations and needs are getting met, and communicate regularly.
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