Originally Posted by redpepper
How do you deal with that when you go into casual sex for the #1 reason, of being fun expressing yourself, and connecting without being used? I have seen this and had this happen to me time and time again! What does one do when one has GIVEN of themselves only to be tossed aside once they get off?
I think a lot of it has to do with your expectations heading into it. When I've had casual sex, I didn't expect anything beyond the encounter itself. It's the only time that I'm entirely selfish during sex, because I don't expect to get anything from them unless I "take" it (in a reciprocal, non-forceful, non-emotional way... struggled to figure how to say that without sounding like a rapist). But I never led them to believe there would be anything beyond that night.
So I guess the answer to that is, if you're having sex outside of an established romantic relationship, the safest way is to not "give" anything (emotionally). Heck, I wouldn't even "give" anything physically... e.g. I don't enjoy the act of giving blowjobs in and of itself, but I love giving them to my husband because I love him and love to do pleasurable things for him. But I would never give a blowjob in a casual setting, because there would be nothing in it for me. Whereas intercourse is "sharing" because we both get something out of it at the same time.
For me its a matter of not fucking friends. End of story. There is far too much chance of damage and I would lose far too much of what I have gained in terms of self love and empowerment.
I can understand that and I won't question a decision like that in someone else's life.
I personally feel that any friendship which is strong enough to be worth protecting in the first place would be strong enough to survive a sexual encounter. But if you value the friendship, you definitely need to talk about it first. A LOT. Discuss what will happen if one person develops feelings from the encounter. Discuss whether the desire is strong enough to explore those feelings.
For me, when romantic feelings develop with someone I'm close to, the "friendship" is over one way or another. I can't just turn off those feelings and pretend to be satisfied with friendship. So if there's no possibility to develop it into romance, then I would probably have to pull away from the person and the friendship just to protect myself from the pain of seeing them and not being able to be with them.
I'm not a "something is better than nothing" kind of person. I want it all, or I want to get on with my life.