Just thought I'd leave an update:
This next week I'm going to be attending a S.C.A. event (Society for Creative Anachronism) along with this couple. We'll be there about 5 days. Since we're volunteering for various things, I'm not sure we'll have much time together, but it will be good to see them again. I'll be sharing a tent with her mother....so guess I'll have the chance to meet even more of the family! (I'm disappointed that I won't be sharing a tent with him, but I guess that's one of the "cooperative" aspects of poly???) I've always been interested in Renaissance re-enactment, but never had the courage to go on my own. Hopefully we'll have some time to all sit down together and talk about some of the issues I've raised and any that they have.
Well the week went fairly well. It ended up with several more family members coming along (Her children from a prior marriage, two male friends of two of her children). So we were a very full camp to say the least! That made communication and plans even more complicated. The good thing was that she and I spent quite a bit of time together sharing camp set-up and take-down. I also volunteered to help with the job she was doing since the area she was working in was short staffed (I volunteered only after asking her if it would be ok with her.) This gave us a chance to have informal time together...nothing too intense. We seem to work well together and enjoy one another's company.
The ongoing challenge is the issue of limited time. One man...two women. Busy schedules. I felt moments of jealousy as I didn't feel like I got enough time with our guy. They live together. I live 7 hours away. The issue of who would sleep with whom..and when..at this event was all messed up as we hadn't talked about it ahead of time. It led to some painful misunderstandings, but luckily we were able to talk with one another about it, apologize when it seemed appropriate and realize the error of our ways! I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't even have a strong reaction to the thoughts of them having a sexual relationship (which of course I knew, but when faced with the reality of it I wasn't sure how I'd feel.)
One really special moment....our guy and I were discussing a particularly challenging issue that had come up and we were feeling upset and quite emotional. She walked over to us and the three of us just started hugging each other out of love and support for our concerns and challenges. Earlier in the week she had also come to me when I was struggling to try and understand something about our guy. She was very reassuring and helped me to understand him better.
Another small victory for me...I was a "people-pleaser" for a long time in my life. I've been working on not being that way, but it's a challenge. I talked with our guy about how I'd normally want to be holding his hand as we walked around or sat near each other, but I was concerned about others in their group being upset and negative since I was a newcomer and would appear to be moving in on their relationship. He told me that the people they cared about and who cared about them wouldn't care, and that he and she didn't care about what others thought in this setting. So, when the three of us were sitting next to each other and chatting with others in the group, I reached over and put my hand on his leg. Just like I normally would with a partner. I saw one woman do a "double-take", but I just calmly told myself what she thought about me was none of my business...and left my hand there!!
Drawbacks? Being in that "secondary" position. Not sure if I always will be or if it's a case of their having been together longer and living with each other. One thing I know....I don't want to be a "secondary" in the long run. I want equal consideration. That's something that needs further discussion. And damn....there never seems to be enough time for that..especially as we head back to our separate homes and jobs. But I do know that I miss them....both of them. And as we drove away from each other I got thinking about how it would feel if I was the one leaving with him in their vehicle and she was driving off on her own like I was (I was indulging in a moment of feeling sorry for myself!)....And I realized that I'd be feeling sad that she wasn't coming home with us....and I really hoped that's how they felt.
Last edited by dragonflysky; 06-09-2010 at 06:05 AM.