View Single Post
Old 06-08-2010, 09:19 PM
Breathesgirl's Avatar
Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 833

Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
Hi everyone. I would greatly appreciate any wisdom the community here has to offer, as I'm still quite young and know there are quite a few mistakes I could avoid with such wisdom. So, here's my story, and thanks in advance for any help.
Hello and welcome. We've got a lot of knowledgeable folks here, some may have even been in your shoes at one time or another.

Around the sixth month point she began dating, and then entered into a relationship with a new boyfriend. I made one of my first big mistakes here in that at the time, I was not at all alright with this happening...polyamory was something entirely new and scary to me, and I was still trying to adjust to her having -one- other boyfriend. However, I did not directly tell her this...though I spent quite a few nights in intense jealousy, and sometimes sent her messages expressing just how jealous and upset I was, I never directly confronted her and told her that I wasn't okay with the situation happening. And so while there's still a part of me that wants to blame her for not paying attention to my feelings, I recognize that it was fully my responsibility to tell her what my feelings were.
Hind sight is 20/20 my friend. Use the lesson and become a better person for it.

So over the next six months after that, I struggled in dealing with my jealousy and continued telling myself that it was silly, that she didn't love me any less or was any less interested in me. I had a chance to meet her new, third boyfriend a couple times and acknowledged that he was a really cool and nice guy, which made dealing with the jealousy a bit easier after putting a face to him.
Did she discuss taking on someone else with you at ALL?
Still, I wasn't exactly happy with the situation, but I told myself to get over was only her new boyfriend I was getting jealous over, not her primary at all, and I figured that must've been a good indicator that I didn't seem to have any issue in particular with polyamory and there was a way to make things work.
There's always a way to make things work, we just don't always like the answer. Before I forget www.xeromage.comis an AWESOME site and has some really, REALLY good advice on how to recognize and deal with jealousy.

And now we come to a point two weeks ago. I went up to a party with my girlfriend being hosted by a friend of hers, whom we will call Girl B. My girlfriend was romantically involved with Girl B, who is in an open relationship with her boyfriend, and so while not in a relationship the two of them were fairly close. The party goes as most parties do with drinking and all that fun stuff, and at some point during the evening I ended up in conversation with Girl B.
Conversation is always a good thing. How else are we to get to know peope?
Somewhere in our conversation, my girlfriend comes over and says to Girl B, who was apparently interested in me, "It's okay for you to make out with my boyfriend." While I had found Girl B attractive and interesting before that night, in the past hour or two of talking to her I had found myself becoming interested in her and so we happily started making out.

So we're in bed, and my girlfriend comes in and appears distraught, and I get concerned and ask her what's wrong, to which she replies that she's unhappy I've been ignoring her all night. Even as drunk as I was, I realized she was right and I told her we ask Girl B to not join us in bed (for sleeping) that night so that I could spend the rest of the night and following morning paying her the due amount of attention.

My girlfriend, however, invited Girl B back into bed to join us.
This is what confused the crap out of me this morning! She wants attention from you yet invites Girl B back into the bed! It sounds to me like she's an attention whore and as long as she's the center of everyone's universe she doesn't care who she f's up or screws up. I had a friend like that once. It didn't end well.[QUOTE]While I recognize that this was because my girlfriend was herself romantically interested in Girl B, my fairly drunk self was confused[QUOTE]It confuses me and I'm sober!
at this action after being told I was ignoring her and took it as a sign that it wasn't as serious as I had thought. So we all fell asleep with Girl B between us, She said she wanted to see me sometime, and I said I wanted to see her as well...I didn't intend it as a promise to start dating and I don't think she did either, more a romantic comment of interest in one another, but my girlfriend overheard this and was very, very unhappy.
After reading the rest of this I am certain I would be telling girlfriend tough titties. If you can have other love interests, why can't I? You can split your attention between me and other loves so why can't I?

Though I had to leave that morning, I came back that night because I understood that I had done something to upset my girlfriend and needed to make things right, even if I was confused as to what exactly I had done that was so wrong. Although I ended up arguing with her that night while trying to understand what I did wrong, I ended up apologizing until we were back on good terms with each other once more. I agreed to not pursue Girl B romantically, and both my girlfriend and her primary (who was also dating Girl B) told her to not pursue me romantically.
What, are they in seventh grade or something? Seems to me you and Birl B should be able to make up your own minds about whether you want to start seeing each other on a more than friendly basis!
Though I was extremely disappointed, I recognized that things needed to be resolved before I could even think of trying to pursue Girl B.
OK, this makes sense. Make sure your core relationship is stable before adding someone else to it. Your core relationship was on shaky footings so not pursuing someone else until those issues are resolved is a GOOD thing!

The following day, however, I found Girl B had sent me a semi-romantic letter expressing regret over the situation and a desire to at least get to know one another better. Reading it brought an incredible smile to my face, but I knew I couldn't respond to her letter as I wanted to and spent the rest of the day trying to decide what I should do with it. I ended up deciding to tell my girlfriend about it and ask what I should do, which made her both angry at Girl B for sending the letter and at myself for "trying to find ways around my agreement".
I swear to you this woman sounds like a throw back to my intermediate years in school! She may be older but you are acting MUCH more mature than she is, IMNSHO & I commend you for even being able to make heads or tales of your emotions after this! You should be able to share these kinds of things with other loves. Compersion and all that good stuff.
I immediately felt guilt over telling my girlfriend about the letter, feeling like I had betrayed this kind gesture from a girl I really liked and when asked to send it to her,
Send what? Did g/f dictate a letter for you to send back?
I hesitated. I continued hesitating even once my girlfriend threatened to break up with me if I didn't give it to her in ten minutes, and though I eventually sent it to her after the deadline expired my girlfriend was incredibly hurt that I had not done it immediately.
Blackmail is NEVER a good thing, ever!
She told me we were broken up and I was at a loss for what to do, feeling like I had tried to do the right thing and had it bite me in the ass. It was in phone call with her primary that night that I had it clearly explained to me that what I had done the prior weekend with girl B was cheating,
POPPYCOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The only way it would have been cheating would be if you had gone behind your girlfriend's back, or Girl B had gone behind her partners backs, and made out. Your partners knew about it, the door appears to have been open/unlocked so anyone could have walked in, you did NOT seek out a private place. You did NOT cheat! Ease your conscience on this one.
and so the next few hours I figured out what I had done wrong and apologized to my girlfriend. Eventually after many apologies and convincing her and her friends
Why were here friends involved in the first place? Seems to me this should have been between four people. You, g/f & her primary & Girl B (OK, maybe five with Girl B's b/f). No one else needed to know about it. She's trying to cause much drama which was better left behind in high school!

The following afternoon she came over and we spent some time being close to one another, me giving her reassurances that I loved her, though I still felt intense guilt over telling her about the letter. It was in an angsty, guilt-ridden moment the following afternoon I put up a facebook status along the lines of "giving up something wonderful for the sake of doing what is ultimately right", which was a very very stupid thing to do when I was on my second chance. The next few hours consisted her very angrily telling me we were broken up and that she hated me, and myself still being so confused about my emotions and my situation that I was unsure whether or not I wanted to beg her for another chance or send a letter to Girl B apologizing and telling her that what happened between us -had- meant something to me. I was halfway into writing the latter when my girlfriend called me again and asked me why I wasn't begging her to take me back...I realized I was being stupid,
uhhhhhhhh, nope, writing that letter wasn't stupid. Sending it wouldn't have been stupid. You aren't stupid. You made some mistakes, we all do, but we learn from then and go forward hopefully having learned a valuable lesson.
Reply With Quote