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Old 06-08-2010, 06:26 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
Again, I realize that she had every right to be upset...I was still a cheater, and it was entirely possible in her mind that distance could just lead me to cheat again.
Again, how was what you did cheating? Could you please explain? or ask her to again? I don't get it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
I can't talk to any of my own friends about it because they have no understanding whatsoever of polyamory, and in their eyes I'm the one who was done wrong by being limited to only one girlfriend while my own has three boyfriends.
you can talk to whomever has common sense and in this situation, ...your friends do! They are dead right! She has no right to expect you to sacrifice your needs over hers. No one does. What she is asking for is completely selfish and disrespectful to your rights as for freedom to chose for yourself what you will do. I don't think there is a poly person here that would subscribe to this idea that you are not allowed to have another girlfriend when your girlfriend has other people in her life. This is called controlling and boarders on abusive behaviour if what you say here is true.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
First...I understand that polyamory is a privilege, not a right. My girlfriend has told me that I'm too young and inexperienced to be dating other people, and that this situation has proven that. She says that we will have had to be together for at least two years before it'll even be a possibility...is this something I should accept? I'm very well aware that I'm young and did some very, very stupid things because of a romantic interest in another woman, but I have no intention of repeating those mistakes and I feel like it's unfair that my girlfriend can have three boyfriends and two lovers (one of whom is Girl B), and I have to be limited.
Poly is both a privileged and a right to those that are interested and chose to put the work in. It's a privilege to be able to have the freedom to love others and be loved by many if we are with people who are willing and able to do so and it's a right to find people like that to share with.

Your girlfriend is trying to control you and you are letting her. She is manipulating you into believing a bunch of lies that she has designed to suit herself for her best interest, not yours. You have control over you and it can be her opinion that you aren't ready, but the decision is ultimately yours.

You did not do "very, very stupid" things by the sound of it. It sounds like she got threatened and jealous and decided to blow her head up with it and make sure that you got the full blast of that. That's all fine and dandy, but that is mostly drama that she made up to protect her feelings rather than deal with her jealousy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
Second...was what I did really as bad as cheating? I really don't think I'm a bad person at all, and I know at no point did I mean to intentionally hurt my girlfriend. Is the severity of my girlfriend's reactions to what I did appropriate, given the circumstances? She's been polyamorous for seven or eight years, and since she's the only person with the experience to give me good answers to these questions I doubt sometimes that she's giving me the same answer she would if we were not in a relationship. I know that this may be the part of me looking to blame her in some way for what happened, and so I'm skeptical of myself just as much as her, if not more so.
no it really wasn't as bad as cheating... have you read the stories on here? Some of them are real cheating stories... yours was a drunken night at a party where you had feelings for someone as a result of your girlfriend saying you could kiss someone.. that is piddly compared to cheating as far as I am concerned. You have no need to feel guilty because you had feelings for someone other than your girlfriend. seriously!

no the severity of your girlfriends reactions is not appropriate, but as I said, possibly she was jealous. Possibly there were other things going on in her life and then that added on top made the whole thing blow. Perhaps if you ask her you will find that there are other emotional things going on for her and that what you did simply just tipped her over the edge. Not fair to blame it all on you if that is the case.

Yes, I would wonder what advice/opinion/judgment she would have if she read this and were going to reply to someone who is a stranger... interesting. I bet it would differ than how she has chosen to react.


So, it seems that your girlfriend needs a reality check. She has drastically over reacted to this it seems and it might be worth finding out why? She has already blown up a million times over little things.. why not go all the way and get to the bottom of what her beef is with you seeing this other woman. After all, she is, her primary is... why can't you? That is perfectly reasonable and fair and I think your agreement not to sucks. It think that asking that the agreement you made be re-worked is perfectly reasonable. You don't have to rush things, but if you like her then I think it is in your right to get to know her and see if there is a spark there now that the alcohol has worn off. I think she should give you her blessing and get to the bottom of her jealousy by talking about it with her numerous partners and yourself... if they are good partners they won't let her bad mouth you and will point out that she is being controlling and unfair with this.
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