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Old 06-08-2010, 04:16 AM
jkelly jkelly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168
Exclamation Get out!

Dear Gods, that was a lot of text.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
I didn't ever really get to know her other boyfriend...

I never directly confronted her and told her that I wasn't okay with the situation happening...

I wasn't exactly happy with the situation, but I told myself to get over it...
The three sentences above are all red flags for me. In the future, I'd advise getting to know the other guy(s) better, and work on communicating what is going on with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
I continued telling myself that I was most likely not polyamorous myself, and would not become romantically interested in any other women while with my girlfriend.
If you communicated this to your girlfriend, then the rest of what follows is a bit easier to understand. She may have unfairly taken this as a commitment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
I agreed to not pursue Girl B romantically,
Woah, why on earth would you agree to that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
and both my girlfriend and her primary (who was also dating Girl B) told her to not pursue me romantically.
What's going on here? Why would she agree to that? It sounds like the primary couple has some sort of veto power in every other relationship that they're in. That's a really unusual set-up, and I have a hard time sympathising with it. Is there some contractual D/s thing going on here that you didn't mention?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
I immediately felt guilt over telling my girlfriend about the letter, feeling like I had betrayed this kind gesture from a girl I really liked and when asked to send it to her,
This flag is so red it has the opening of Das Kapital written on it. You should be able to share sweet things your partners have done for you with your other partners, without feeling guilty. You're feeling guilty because this dynamic is hugely unhealthy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
my girlfriend threatened to break up with me if I didn't give it to her in ten minutes,
You were right to hesitate, and you would have been more right to tell her that you don't date people who demand to read your mail on threats of breakup and then you should have left.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
It was in phone call with her primary that night that I had it clearly explained to me that what I had done the prior weekend with girl B was cheating,
She gave you explicit permission to make out, and then invited Girl B into bed with you. You didn't cheat. Unless you're not telling the whole story here (and that's hard to imagine given your tendency for verbosity), this is nonsense. Easier-to-imagine nonsense if you had been assuring her you'd never have another love interest, but still nonsense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
when my girlfriend called me again and asked me why I wasn't begging her to take me back...I realized I was being stupid, and so I proceeded to apologize and tell her that I would rather start over from the beginning than have things ended.
I think you're confused about where you have... made some less than great choices.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
Though I got slapped pretty hard the next time we saw each other...

...Again, I realize that she had every right to be upset...I was still a cheater, and it was entirely possible in her mind that distance could just lead me to cheat again.
Do you mean that she physically hit you? Again, is there a D/s dynamic that makes this treatment consensual? Why are you accepting her version of events like this? If she told you that you were an elephant, would you accept that and excuse this behaviour based on the fact that elephants have thick skin?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
I can't talk to any of my own friends about it because they have no understanding whatsoever of polyamory, and in their eyes I'm the one who was done wrong by being limited to only one girlfriend while my own has three boyfriends.
A relationship that isolates us from our friends is a warning sign that it's abusive. Abusers do this. Loving partners don't. Your friends may not approve of polyamory, but you need them to give you a reality check on what is going on here.

Besides, it sounds to me that their understanding of polyamory might be just fine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
First...I understand that polyamory is a privilege, not a right.
I'd say that their understanding of polyamory is significantly better than yours. Look, polyamory is a self-identification, a relationship style, and a toolkit for have multiple romantic partners. It's neither a privilege nor a right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
My girlfriend has told me that I'm too young and inexperienced to be dating other people, and that this situation has proven that.

She says that we will have had to be together for at least two years before it'll even be a possibility...is this something I should accept?
You are old enough to consent to having adult relationships, right? None of this is something you should accept. You describe emotional blackmail, controlling behaviour, crazy over-the-top drama, and what may be emotional and physical abuse. You really need to end this relationship and get far away from this situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
Third...I still have really strong feelings for Girl B... I wish there was something I could do on that front.
You should probably date her after breaking up with your girlfriend, if and only if she's willing to untangle her life from these people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth View Post
Fourth...did I do the right thing in telling my girlfriend about the letter that Girl B sent me?
No, but only because you shouldn't be in this relationship in the first place. Once you get into a healthy relationship, you should feel free to share love notes from sweethearts (as long as everyone thinks that is a fun idea).

TL;DR -- It may seem like I'm being super harsh here. If you only read the snipped quotes above, my response might sound kind of over the top. I assure you that those quotes do not do justice to how bad this dynamic sounds if you read the entirety of the OPs two posts.

Last edited by jkelly; 06-08-2010 at 04:43 AM.
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