Though I got slapped pretty hard the next time we saw each other, I gave her a binder of our most romantic letters, roleplays, and sketches we had done together and a rose and swore to her that I would not make any more stupid mistakes. The following weekend I made sure to neither pursue Girl B romantically or any other women at all, and did well in abiding by the agreements I had made. However the next time we saw each other I had just found out that my family and I were moving an hour further away. Instead of comforting her and reassuring her that things were going to be fine and that I wasn't going to do anything to break our agreements even with the increased distance, I ended up getting frustrated and yelling at her, confused why she didn't get that I was dealing with all kinds of stress and that I was still trying to make the effort to make things right. Again, I realize that she had every right to be upset...I was still a cheater, and it was entirely possible in her mind that distance could just lead me to cheat again.
Ultimately I apologized to her and begged her to stay, though the following morning I nearly told her to just leave until she told me that she really loved me and wanted us to be back at where we had been. Hearing this convinced me that what I wanted was for us to be as close to each other as we had been, and so I promised her that I really did want to make things work out between us and was willing to do what it took to get there. She stayed with me the following two days and those two days were great, both of us spending our time close to one another and loving each other fully. She had to leave for the weekend, and that brings me to where I am right now.
I'm still very much in love with her, and I want to make things work so we can be as close as we were again. And while the last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me, I am on the whole happy with here things currently are and optimistic about the direction in which they are heading. But there's still this small, twisted feeling in my gut, and every time I look at Girl B's facebook status or page I still feel a sharp pang of dismay at being unable to pursue something, anything with her. I can't talk to any of my girlfriend's friends who are also my friends, because ultimately I worry that something I say will find its way back to her before I'm sure it's something I mean. I can't talk to any of my own friends about it because they have no understanding whatsoever of polyamory, and in their eyes I'm the one who was done wrong by being limited to only one girlfriend while my own has three boyfriends.
First...I understand that polyamory is a privilege, not a right. My girlfriend has told me that I'm too young and inexperienced to be dating other people, and that this situation has proven that. She says that we will have had to be together for at least two years before it'll even be a possibility...is this something I should accept? I'm very well aware that I'm young and did some very, very stupid things because of a romantic interest in another woman, but I have no intention of repeating those mistakes and I feel like it's unfair that my girlfriend can have three boyfriends and two lovers (one of whom is Girl B), and I have to be limited.
Second...was what I did really as bad as cheating? I really don't think I'm a bad person at all, and I know at no point did I mean to intentionally hurt my girlfriend. Is the severity of my girlfriend's reactions to what I did appropriate, given the circumstances? She's been polyamorous for seven or eight years, and since she's the only person with the experience to give me good answers to these questions I doubt sometimes that she's giving me the same answer she would if we were not in a relationship. I know that this may be the part of me looking to blame her in some way for what happened, and so I'm skeptical of myself just as much as her, if not more so.
Third...I still have really strong feelings for Girl B. Right now I'm positive I won't do anything else in pursuit of her as part of the terms of my agreement to my girlfriend, but my heart still aches from the situation with her. I find myself reflecting often on those moments we spent together and wishing so hard that she could know what I was thinking/feeling, regardless of whether or not there's any chance for anything at all between us or if she'd even care. While I've told my girlfriend that I still have feelings for her and will make sure to not act on them in any inappropriate way, I still very much want to. I won't, but I wish there was something I could do on that front.
Fourth...did I do the right thing in telling my girlfriend about the letter that Girl B sent me? I feel like I could have ignored it, or responded in a way that did not pursue further romantic ties, which could have averted a great deal of trauma on all sides while still abiding by the terms of my agreement. I know that honesty is dead on the single most important thing to have in a polyamorous relationship, but are there some things I should simply not be telling my girlfriend as long as she's not asking about them? For example, I mentioned to her that one of my friends (who doesn't know a thing about polyamory) thought that she overreacted to both my interaction with Girl B and my refusal in giving her the letter, and this made my girlfriend extremely angry at my friend. The situation has somewhat been resolved since, but I wonder if these are things I should just not be telling her for the sake of preventing conflict at nobody's cost.
So yeah...thank you so much for reading my incredibly long post of angst, drama, and emotional turmoil. If you have any comments, thoughts, bits of wisdom, or useful advice I would be incredibly grateful and appreciative of anything you can give me. Also if you have any questions or need for clarification, I'll try and respond as quickly as possible. The past two weeks have been an incredible roller coast of emotions and it's nice to just lay it all out like this and see what people think...a fresh perspective would probably do me a world of good. Again, thank you for reading, and I look forward to reading your responses!
Last edited by SeekerOfTruth; 06-08-2010 at 02:58 AM.