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Old 06-07-2010, 04:52 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by Discovery View Post
My fiance and I are getting married in 2 months. We have an almost 1.5 yr old son. I am completely head over heals for him, and want to be with him forever regardless of anything else and it's obvious he feels the same. Our relationship is stable and there's no... issues that are making me try to search out a "replacement"...
Thats a good thing. A solid foundation is key

The depression I began feeling with my homesickness and not being able to spend all of my time in the place I feel happiest, coupled with the effort of trying to remain "good" to my fiance and hold back my feelings for my friend just sent me into a spiral. I stopped treating my fiance right - I began yelling at him and snapping very easily. I think subconsciously I was trying to scare him. I was returning to the easy way out... as if I were a 15 year old teenager again... treat them bad and they'll run away, then the decision is no longer yours.
He wouldn't accept this and we tried to communicate better. We began to get things worked out and I was feeling totally mixed up. I've never been more sure about a single person in my life - I love my fiance and marriage and raising a family is the best thing for us. So why can I have feelings for other people??
That does sound like poly to me. You have the ability to care for others. Love is an end result of that caring. ...

My only potential concern would be displaced emotion. Your homesickness being fixed by NRE or relationships. Make sure all of that sadness and depression is dealt with and not just buried by the intoxication of new emotions....

One night, I became a little drunk with my female best friend... I began texting my fiance that he should "get a girlfriend".. I masked it as a sexual fantasy of mine when in reality, I think I would only feel good about a polyamorous lifestyle if I felt that he was out meeting people and was able to form connections with other people as well. I would hate for it to be one-sided and I would NEVER want him to feel bad. When he got home, the night somehow progressed into a threesome with my best friend. He described it as very "eye-opening" and said that it cemented his desire to be with me forever. The next day, while sober, we discussed it again. We basically came to an agreement to have an "open relationship". I told him I am 100% okay with him meeting people and I think that repressing your human desires towards other people will just strain us more. I thin khe is beginning to understand that I have feelings for someone else (not that I was "cheating" on him, as all it is is an emotional thing and a sexual attraction. iw ould not move forward without his support).
Communication is good . Very good.

The thing that troubles me, though, is that he said it would be a while before he's "ready" to meet other females and I wonder if he's saying this because he fears I will be jealous or if he really means it. I don't want to jump in with two feet and strike up a secondary relationship with my friend (even though we've discussed it and the friend is okay with my lifestyle choice and is willing and very wanting to be in a relationship with me) if it's going to be one-sided and he's going to realize he IS jealous and then we will forever have a stain on our relationship... because regardless of what happens with other people, my fiance is certainly the definitive one for me and at the end of the day, it will be his bed I am sharing and OUR life that matters.
hmmm...he could simply be saying it because it is true. My wife and I have been open for 10 years. Most of those years did not include loving anyone but each other. While open she never once looked for anyone. There are two types of people. Those who wait and those who try. I don't know which works better, but trust in what your fiance says. If he isn't ready, believe that he isn't

Jealousy, once it hits, can be dealt with. If he expects to NOT be jealous, he may get a big kick where it hurts. He should realize it will likely happen and be prepared to deal with it.

He has put two stipulations on it... if I bring home any STDs or become pregnant by another man, our relationship is over. Obviously these are things I wish to avoid as well. The only man I want to have a family with is the one I already do.
As far as rules go, those are pretty fair. both imply a requirement for safe sex. Which should be a requirement anyways.

Good luck, I wish I had realized all of this about myself when I was in my 20s. I was open but didn't realize just how awesome it could be, so never pursued anything...that was a mistake for me. I think if I had better started this journey then I would be... well who knows.
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