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Old 06-07-2010, 09:04 AM
DD123 DD123 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 19

Hi all! This is the OP (the BF)
Thank you all for your comments, my gf and I both are learning a lot!

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
It sounds to me as if she's trying to suss out what appropriate boundaries are--and not only what she feels comfortable with, but what DD123 is comfortable with. I suspect she's trying to figure out if doing that sort of thing is going to work well within the relationship she has with DD123.
Yes we are trying to work it all out. right now our boundaries are blurry and fluid, and we are trying to decide what will work for both of us without either of us feeling hurt or trapped. and they are never set in stone, they are "just for today"

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
but really bottom line, I have made huge changes to my thinking in order to accommodate our love for one another. As has he. We made that choice.
... I don't ever have to worry that he will stray else where (and I say "stray" because in his mono way of thinking, that is what it would be).
... I tell men I am not available. In a mono relationship that is a given, in our relationship that is HUGE as it is something that I have chosen that goes against my nature to a certain extent. I have found freedom in saying no and choosing his love over casual sex.
personally I have definitely changed my thinking. In my previous relationships (they have all been mono until this one) I have had gfs that have cheated and slept around to spite me and hurt me and to expedite the end of the relationship. I know that is not the case with my gf now; she has NOT done it to spite me nor to end our relationship, which she continues to prove to me by not running away/pushing me away and by reaffirming me that her feelings for me have not changed/lessened.

The stray comment I completely understand. my gf encourages me to seek other relationships. I have once, and it was odd to say the least; partly because I felt like I was straying/being unfaithful to her (even though she tells me its not) and partly because it was my first experience with another guy (just to clarify: it was no sex just heavy petting)

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
As long as you're upfront with your boyfriend that you intend to do whatever the hell you want and he has no say in the matter other than breaking up with you, and you're ok with that, then go hard!
she did say that she has a "death-grip on [her] autonomy" and I do respect that. she is her own person and she is the way she is and I cant change her. I do not want to break up with her simply because of that. I feel like I have grown and learned thus far in our relationship, like I said about changing my thinking. but I need to take it one step at a time, and yes I do have a slower pace than she does but she is pushing me to take bigger steps; although on rare occasions I feel its more of a leap than a step. But I am doing my best and hey thats why Im on this forum

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I really like this SchrodingersCat... it sums it up nicely for me... the thing is... in the last bit ,"If you're doing it to take something from the other person" it's hard to know if someone is taking it from YOU. This is where I was hurt.
I never took from other people, in fact I was quite giving. Too giving.
I have both taken, and been taken from. Ive even been in a situation where both of us were taking and neither of us were giving. needless to say, but all of these were very unhealthy relationships, and yea i got off, but it did hurt my spirit. this is not the case with my current gf; I give and I feel SO much more joy and love in giving than I ever did taking. but I do have a fear of my gf being "too giving" so that she is taken from. I know that it is her lesson to learn, but I have been there and it is not a fun place to be and if I can try and help her so that she doesnt have to go through that, hey Ill try
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