You folks are so awesome, each response is so thoughtful and really helps
Let me tell you what has happened and some of my thoughts about it.
After the awful night, of trying to get in touch and texting and leaving messages. He finally calls me after I leave a message on her phone.
He is completely shocked at the depth of my despair, not having looked at his texts or listened to the messages I sent that were progressively more desperate sounding.
He is very upset and saddened by how I feel. He feels terrible and apologizes for not looking at the messages. The two of them go out for breakfast and together decide that he should cut short his visit and he immediately gets a plane back across the country to be with me.
When he returns, I am still so hurt and triggered that it takes a very long time to think coherently, while he patiently listens and tells me he loves me.
At some point, he decides to give up on Polyamory entirely, seeing that it is too painful for me.
Later the next day, he tells me that he will not be seeing her again, and then tells her. We are now planning a monogamous relationship together.
BUT.. This is really not possible, he is now so hurt by the thought of never seeing her again, and monogamy, that he goes into deep grief. It is real, not manipulative and very difficult all around. Although I feel relieved that he is willing to sacrifice so much for me, I know it is wrong to do this. We talk a lot more and I figure out some of the elements that went wrong with our poly experiment. Firstly, I should never have spent my evening when he was gone with someone so openly hostile to poly and to him. Second, If he were willing to just text me something reassuring, I think I would have been fine.
Third, he totally freaked his girlfriend by telling her about us getting married. she felt betrayed and confused and was not really in on what poly is all about. She is in the process of breaking up with her husband, has 4 kids and is very emotionally needy and also was raised in a very conventional way. She was thinking about a reunion that would end with a ring on HER finger someday soon.
So here is my idea, please let me know what you think.
I think the the ladies in this situation need to have more control of the outcome. Throughout this, we have been learning about each other through email and have a pretty good rapport.
I want to do several things, apologize to her for my rampant emotionalism, second, suggest that we discuss what was really bad about the situation and come up with a list of things that we do not want to have happen again, and what we would like to have happen, if we were to try again .
One thing I think is that there is tremendous power in women working together as opposed to being in competition. If we planned the times together, I think it would work out better. The man in this situation finds this idea hot.
Next, I am actually interested in having a sexual relationship with her as well. I think that would be interesting, and maybe even a threesome, also.
Also, I think it would be good to have her come to our home, so she is away from the stresses of her family and wouldn't have to be in a sleazy motel room where she feels like a whore.
What do you think of this idea? Please let me know what you think is terribly wrong or stuff that seems ok.