Lots of new brain farts.
Hello from the Caribbean!
I am having a hard time right now while I am away from home. I figured I'd write it out and possibly get some feedback.
One of the things I love about taking a break from my usual routine, is the opportunity to think about things on my own, without interference from others. Thing is, this is also one of the things that tends to drive me batty.
One thing that I am having a hard time with is the whole open relationship/ poly thing with O. I cannot really pinpoint what it is that is making me nervous. I am away for 4 weeks, then 2 weeks after my return, he leaves for 4 weeks also. Is it the distance that is making me nervous? The lack of eye contact, and little contact in other ways? Here are some thoughts:
1) There are many times in the past where the unknown is what really scared me, and reality was much easier. Being away fills me with unknowns and allows my imagination to run rampant.
2) I think I may be afraid to admit to MYSELF what I am. I've said it before, but I am constantly reevaluating my beliefs, what I think, etc. In the past year, I have had intense romantic feelings for one other man, and am currently developing them for another. Nothing physical has happened with either while with O, but it does not mean I have not wanted it to. In fact, I REALLY wanted it to. Saying: " I am _____" insert poly , non mono, etc. in that blank kind of freaks me out since it is all new, and I never considered it before. The more I think about my past relationships, and my tendency to ALWAYS develop feelings for someone else and jump immediately from one relationship to another because I thought that was the only thing I COULD do, is adding to this realization.
3) If I do admit this to myself OUTLOUD, what does it mean for my relationships now and in the future? I still am afraid of O developing feelings for others in the same way I do - it intimidates me, makes me feel like I am disposable, even though I do not feel that way about him. It is almost like I HAVE TO not feel jealous, and be this free - floating flower girl, when I am not.
4) I miss him tons... That in itself is new to me. I am nervous about letting that out of the bag too. What if he doesn't feel the same? What is 8 weeks of being apart going to do? I know that what happens will happen, and that in itself is comforting, especially given how great our relationship is... but I still ask the "what ifs".
5) Also, I am glad that we are doing this - it is a kind of relationship test. It is one of those "Must KNOWs" on my list for figuring out who is right for me. I NEED to be able to go away for a period of time and return to a happy, loving, accepting, missing home.
Would love your input.