I'll just link my Introduction
before I start.
So I'm still in a monogamous/exclusive, long-distance, heterosexual relationship. My boyfriend has a severe panic disorder, for which he is receiving thorough and successful treatment, as well as his abandonment issues and he's definitely definitely monogamous himself.
I definitely, definitely am not. I thought maybe I just have a tendency to feel abandoned and go looking for (sexual) attention from other people when my partner was absent (either with not enough time for me or emotionally distant from numbness/panic) and I do recognise that I have a tendency to do that (and I am working to improve that) but also I am just poly too. I wasn't sure when I made that intro post months back but I am now.
This brings me to the point of this post: I love someone other than my boyfriend. This may make thing even more sticky but the person I love as well as him is my ex-boyfriend. My ex is also distance, lives in the same country as my boyfriend even, so there is no chance of meeting (or cheating) in person at this time.
At the moment, until I visit in September, my boyfriend and I can only explore the sexual side of our relationship intellectually. I've read that a lot of sexual activity actually takes place fore-mostly in the brain and I am far from dissatisfied with that part of our relationship. I am very attracted to my Ex and would like to share that part of myself with him too. I've outright asked my boyfriend if he would be comfortable with that and he said that unfortunately he would not, and may never be, so I've tried to just put it to one side. I'm trying not to let the "may never be" part freak me out so we'll just put that to one side for the moment.
My boyfriend feels that he wants to take this a step at a time. He wants to get us local, either me go over there or him come here, and enjoy our relationship for a while before even starting to consider such a step as an MFF threesome. I'm so scared of cheating but I can't talk to my boyfriend about this without him freaking out. His doctor who is helping with the panic disorder has forbid him from thinking/worrying about the future so my (very present) concerns about this have been put into the too hard basket right now. I feel selfish for needing to talk about it but I'm so worried that sometime irrevocable is going to happen and short of not talking to my Ex ever again I feel like it's inevitable.
I feel lost.
And please, please, please don't suggest that I leave my boyfriend. I know that it may not work out but I am not willing to end it yet. I want to work at it so any suggestions on what I can do, or even just comments from people who have been in similiar situations/have some type of experience with this, would be most appreciated.