Trying out a new lifestyle...
in need of a little bit of assurance or opinions or SOMETHING, we're just grabbing in the dark right now.
My fiance and I are getting married in 2 months. We have an almost 1.5 yr old son. I am completely head over heals for him, and want to be with him forever regardless of anything else and it's obvious he feels the same. Our relationship is stable and there's no... issues that are making me try to search out a "replacement"...
I have been extremely homesick lately. Getting married at just 21, having relocated 3 years ago for college but stuck around year-round to be with my fiance and have our child is all a bit much to handle. I'm 3 hrs away from home and rarely get to visit. The past months I have gone down every week or every 2 weeks. One of these visits I found myself struck by another male. The thought was extremely scary to me... In every relationship I've had, I've had feelings for other people and the hardest part is repressing them. I've always had an inkling that I am not a monogamous person but with this recent connection with a friend, I have pretty much cemented it.
The depression I began feeling with my homesickness and not being able to spend all of my time in the place I feel happiest, coupled with the effort of trying to remain "good" to my fiance and hold back my feelings for my friend just sent me into a spiral. I stopped treating my fiance right - I began yelling at him and snapping very easily. I think subconsciously I was trying to scare him. I was returning to the easy way out... as if I were a 15 year old teenager again... treat them bad and they'll run away, then the decision is no longer yours.
He wouldn't accept this and we tried to communicate better. We began to get things worked out and I was feeling totally mixed up. I've never been more sure about a single person in my life - I love my fiance and marriage and raising a family is the best thing for us. So why can I have feelings for other people??
One night, I became a little drunk with my female best friend... I began texting my fiance that he should "get a girlfriend".. I masked it as a sexual fantasy of mine when in reality, I think I would only feel good about a polyamorous lifestyle if I felt that he was out meeting people and was able to form connections with other people as well. I would hate for it to be one-sided and I would NEVER want him to feel bad. When he got home, the night somehow progressed into a threesome with my best friend. He described it as very "eye-opening" and said that it cemented his desire to be with me forever. The next day, while sober, we discussed it again. We basically came to an agreement to have an "open relationship". I told him I am 100% okay with him meeting people and I think that repressing your human desires towards other people will just strain us more. I thin khe is beginning to understand that I have feelings for someone else (not that I was "cheating" on him, as all it is is an emotional thing and a sexual attraction. iw ould not move forward without his support).
We spoke again two nights ago and we discussed my upcoming trip home, he said I "better get laid" while I was there, it was obviously a joke but the way he said it surprised me. There was no jealousy or anything. He even brought up me having sex with another male during our own relations... and seem legitimately excited by the idea.
The thing that troubles me, though, is that he said it would be a while before he's "ready" to meet other females and I wonder if he's saying this because he fears I will be jealous or if he really means it. I don't want to jump in with two feet and strike up a secondary relationship with my friend (even though we've discussed it and the friend is okay with my lifestyle choice and is willing and very wanting to be in a relationship with me) if it's going to be one-sided and he's going to realize he IS jealous and then we will forever have a stain on our relationship... because regardless of what happens with other people, my fiance is certainly the definitive one for me and at the end of the day, it will be his bed I am sharing and OUR life that matters.
He has put two stipulations on it... if I bring home any STDs or become pregnant by another man, our relationship is over. Obviously these are things I wish to avoid as well. The only man I want to have a family with is the one I already do.
Last night I was in the ER for an advanced strep case and my 'friend' was texting me. He called me "babe" (which is just what he does to everyone, so it wasn't even indicative of our possible relationship) and my fiance asked if he was my "boyfriend"... I don't know that I would use that word so I laughed it off and said "Not yet, and not if that's a problem!" and he was just like "whatever" and shrugged it off.. for the first time I couldn't read him, so I don't know if it was just a defense to keep me happy or if he was truly trying to show me he is okay with my decisions.
Sorry for the novel... I just am looking for some input. Does it seem like we have our heads on straight or are we just yougn and looking for a "way out"? Should I approach this differently? Does it sound like (if any males wish to weigh in) my fiance is ACTUALLY on board???